British Flavored Fail (Tastes Like Bacon Butties)

Asking a family of four to live on one take home salary seems kind of unfair. Until you realize two things.
1. They’re British.
2. They’re fat. VERY fat.

The Chawners family from Blackburn in Lancashire, England has a combined weight of 83 stone, or 1162 lbs. One family. Four people. Three of them are women. Weighing over half a ton. You’d think they’d be scarfing down tons of food, right? That’s the amazing part, they aren’t. They’re just being efficient with it. This family is a house full of professional-grade wide-asses. Their efficiency is astounding.

They only spend about $82 a week on food for a family of four. So in order to gain the kind of chub they put on they exhaust every caloric angle at $20.50 per person. They  eat cereal for breakfast, bacon butties for lunch, and microwave pies with mashed potatoes or chips for dinner. Let’s break that down:

Breakfast:
In order to start your day of unmitigated wide-assery you gotta get a good breakfast. To do it with cereal means you gotta keep it simple and cram in the caloric destruction. So what you need is a good, sugary cereal and Vitamin D milk. With the sugar and starches from the cereal and about two to three cups of the milk you can smooth your way to 400-500 calories EASY. And that’s just the first bowl!

Lunch:
Tough to blow up the bloat here too. You’ll need meat, high in fat. Minimal vegetable content. And more starches to hold in the fat. Bring on the bacon buttie. Translated from British to English, the bacon buttie is a bacon sandwich. A sandwich. Made of bacon. BACON. For every ass-widener looking to hurdle health on their way to diabetes that’s the easiest way to do it. Well, no. You could also drink the bacon grease. Mmmmmm bacon grease.

Dinner:
Best if eaten JUST before bed. And be sure that it’s, again, high in starches and low in nutritional value. Preferably, something with a bunch of preservatives. The Chawners struck gold again with microwave pies containing mashed potatoes or chips. With all of that processed potato and mystery pie goodness, they’re sure to put at least one nanobyte of pure, unstoppable, pus-colored fatty tissue into every cell of their body with every bite. Can’t stop the hurt baby!

The best part about this is that the family lives in Britain. Not only were they being paid for being disabled, but receiving more money every time they demonstrate increased inability to function in society. The 252lb. oldest daughter, Samantha gets about $190 bucks a month for being a brokeass student. Not loan money. FREE money. Money to keep. And spend. On food. The 238lb youngest daughter, Emma gets about $274 a month in their Unemployment equivalent. She can’t work, so she gets paid to eat.  She’s clearly very good at it.

Then there’s the 672lb. Mr. and Mrs. Chawners. Not working was for the weak. They worked their way into debilitating diseases. Philip Chawners is the underachiever here. He only gets $116 a month for developing type-2 diabetes (the fatty-fat-fat kind). He gets a little extra shine though for getting himself a heart condition that prevents him from receiving gastric bypass surgery that might have caused him to lose weight and make him ineligible for the excess cash.

But the champion and true breadwinner of the family is Audrey Chawners. She can share the $289 PER WEEK they receive from the gub’ment. But that $539 per month she gets from go-getting her way to asthma AND epilepsy is all hers. Who knew you could get epilepsy from being fat?  But Clearly Mrs. Chawners did her research.Who’s gonna provide for their family otherwise?

Hooray! to the British government for recognizing the Guinness-caliber levels of denial and perseverance of the Chawner family and paying them one full salary for it. Hopefully, if they get more effective at the weight gain and really hone their caloric mastication, perhaps the government will see fit to reward them with double the tax dollars. Goodness knows they’re working awful hard to not deserve it.

[Source: The Telegraph]