On a recent episode of The History Channel’s Pawn Stars, the boys at the shop had an opportunity to buy a replica of the Michael Keaton “Batman” Batmobile. Upon hearing this news, several Fork Party Editors collapsed and defecated in their pants.
After they woke back up they found a golden glowing letter from the web content gods. It said “Ye are tasked with writing a post about lame things that could be made better with control of the Batmobile.” After passing out one more time the editors woke up, changed out of their jorts and began chiseling this piece out of their brain with icepicks… and beer… lots of beer.
Nothing is worse than the laundromat. It’s life’s little ball-tap. You walk in and it’s filled to the brim with shady characters and people who look like 1930′s era gangsters on the lamb from the cats in blue. It seems dangerous also. Laundromats always kind of feel like a knife-fight is about to happen. It’s a generally unpleasant place. So could you imagine rollin up and blowing the 4 inch ash off of the cigarette being smoked by the 600lbs man who’s gut is hanging outta his stupid circa 2001 novelty shirt that says “Did you eat a bowl of stupid for breakfast?”- with the exhaust from the MOTHERF**KING BATMOBILE?! AWESOME!
So in a drunken stupor you punched a man out on Friday night who you thought said Star Wars sucked. Â The police show up and they find the meth in your pocket or whatever. These actions can land you in a magical place called court. So on the big day you put your tie on and tuck your shirt in extra neatly. You make sure your shoes are extra shiny… then you use your car starter and fire up the Batmobile. You exit your place of residence, look up into the sky and put your sunglasses on. You slide across the hood of the Batmobile and hop into the hatch from the driver’s side. You do 145 mph all the way to the court house. Then you get there and park it at a meter. Even the judge would say… “Dude that was awesome — you’re free to go.”
Oh darn it. Your girlfriend just realized you are all out of nutmeg. Better make a trip to the supermarket. The supermarket is already kind of awesome. You get to be aggressive over checkout counters. People unleash hilariously awkward yelling and wrestling moves on their horribly behaved children. Hell, there’s even an old lady with a kooky eye thats handin’ out 2 inch wieners crudely pierced on a toothpick that you don’t even trust. What’s not to love? But envision for a second, the sheer joy that would be found in your soul while you intimidate someone backing out of a parking spot… WITH THE FREAKING BATMOBILE RUMBLIN’ ON THEIR BUMPER!
A Relative or Best Friend’s Wedding
Weddings can sometimes be a hassle. There’s lots of people you don’t know. You’ve got incredibly awkward dancing. And who can forget the drunk and bitter extended family? Nothing would blow all that chaos out of the water quite like the exhilarating feeling of making the bride cry because you drove the Batmobile to her most special day. You could then leave with one of the hot bridesmaids sitting shotgun…in the friggin’ Batmobile! VICTORY!
A Relative or Best Friend’s Funeral
For some reason funerals are always Bummerville U.S.A.! Lots of crying and speeches from people who weren’t formally trained to speak in public. There’s breakdowns and reminiscing. Then for some odd reason there is a ton of food prepared by obese elderly women. We here at Fork Party would want one of you to drive the Batmobile to our funerals… out of principal! That’s a true friend.
A Company Picnic
Your boss invited you to the “mandatory, without being mandatory” company picnic. All the people you loathe monday thru friday will now be sharing booze with you and partnering up with you in the potato sack race on your saturday. It is hard to find a more heinous event than a corporate get together. So think of the alpha male effect parking your Batmobile next to your boss’ Benz would have on him. You could show up late everyday for a year!
The County Fair
There isn’t much that the fair doesn’t offer in the way of unusual. You see rednecks of all different creeds, sizes and ride-preference. There areÂ Carnies who make ends meet by slangin’ fake Oxy behind the bumper cars. You will learn the true horrors of poor dental care first hand at the county fair. So picture for a second how sweet it would be to blow back mullets by zippin by in the motherforkin’ Batmobile. Yeah, it doesn’t get any better than that.
So we all learned something very important today. That being of course, the vast amounts of epic badass owning the Batmobile would bring.