Hilariously Profitable Businesses Based On The Apocalypse

The world’s economy is on a slippery slope. It is getting increasingly more difficult just to make ends meet. Faceless rich a-holes in suits and ties have their freshly shined shoe right in the ass of… just about everybody else. So what is a person to do for their future? Maybe you start a store that sells fishing lures? Fishing will survive right… oh f*&k that’s right… there’s a bunch of oil in the ocean.

How about  an exciting career working for Charlie Sheen in some capacity? That seems like a safe gamble with your hopes and dreams! Oh… here ya go. Why don’t you start a business based completely on the Apocalypse?

It’s a good biz!

Vivo’s Underground Apocalypse Bunker

Who wants to try and escape the mass slaughter of humanity without the comfort of billiards? The answer to that is NOBODY! Vivos is a forward thinking company that thought of the hopelessness that would plague a world
with no pool tables. For a hefty sum, you can not only continue hustlin’ suckas out of future-bacon in a game of pool, you can also enjoy the wine cellar and get hammered all day. There is even a computer lounge… just in case internet porn survives the chaos. This huge bunker is at a secret location in Nebraska… it makes Wal-Mart look like a crappy shed. It can house up to 950 people and can survive a 50 megaton blast. Oooh, they also have creepy bummer commercials too? Thanks Vivos!

Glenn Beck

Glenn Beck is like the Tiger Woods of apocalypse products. He has been paid to endorse gold. Glenn’s cashed many a check peddling a product to survive the apocalypse. He fills crazy old conservative moron’s depends with fear induced urine… and he fills his wallet with fat cash. Here he is endorsing a product called Food Insurance.

Survival Condos

Sometimes an apocalyptic survival bunker doesn’t need to be newly built at all. Survival Condos is a company that has taken an old government military missile silo and turned it into a glorious little slice of the cataclysmic end time pie. For a mere $900k you can buy a half a floor. You can also buy a whole floor for a very reasonable $1.75 mil. You have access to the pool.

There is a theater room AND you will have access to the finest in apocalypse survival educational courses. Applicants are screened and charged upon signing.

The renovations to this missile silo in the beautiful state of Kansas are set to be finished by the end of 2011. It will be completely self sustaining… and sounds like a really fun place!

Cosco

Of course we know the entire business of Cosco isn’t based just on the apocalypse… but they are making serious loot slingin’ apocalyptic products. In fact the price of their freeze dried survival food has been continuing to climb the closer we get to doomsday. In fact it has gone up 47% in the last six months alone. Cosco was offering a very reasonably priced year long supply of food for $799.

Now however you can either purchase this 6 month supply for $579.

Or you can go balls to the wall and purchase a 3 month 2 person batch of food for $999.

So for those of you strapped for cash… expect to only last for a few months after armageddon goes down.

EcoloBlue

This company sells only machines that generate atmospherically produced water. Their website states that they believe “everybody deserves a pure, affordable and sustainable water solution”… for the very nice price range starting at $999. They should change their slogan to… you’re gonna be thirsty… NOW GIVE US THAT SWEET TASTY CASH.

Ahhh, that is some refreshing atmospherically produced water eh?

So as you can see… one man’s total and utter doom is another man’s riches. That is why we here at Fork Party have decided to stop the website and instead focus all of our mental and monetary resources on laser gun development.

Editor’s Note: We are definitely not going to stop the site to focus on laser gun development.

[Sources: Architizer Blog, Time Magazine, Preparedness Daily]