“Hi Ho, Kermit The–”
“Holy shit, dude! What have they done to you?”
Over the years, Jim Henson and his MuppeteerÂ disciplesÂ have transformed their most iconic creation, Kermit the Frog, into a freak show’s worth of amphibious weirdos. This practice goes back to the original 70s “Muppet Show,” or earlier if we’re counting Kermit in drag on The Ed Sullivan Show. Frankly, I say we can go nuttier.
So, if an inter-dimensional time rip of some kind (just go with me here) allowed all the different versions of Kermit below to meet each other in a room, and Sam the Eagle walked into this room, he would immediately die of a heart attack. Let’s raise the curtain!
7. The Kerminator
Thanks to a little scandal that was quietly swept under the rug, it looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger won’t be “back” for awhile. Hopefully, he doesn’t duck out of public life as long as The Kerminator, last seen in 1999 for a parody short on the Odyssey Channel. Previously, you could find The Kerminator in the cleverly titled “Muppet Parodies 1998 Calendar.” I think he comes from a dark future, where Muppets enslave all of humanity. Actually, that doesn’t sound so bad, as long as they don’t stick their hands up people’s asses inÂ retribution.
6. The Mysterious Ms. Mask
Dressing in drag is one thing, but Kermit as a female wrestler? Wouldn’t he get crushed by Chyna and company? Well, that may be, but in the Zero Mostel episode of “The Muppet Show,” with the Muppet Theater at stake, Kermit is forced to enter the ring against a very capable wrastlin’ grandma. Kermit asked Miss Piggy first, but naturally, she refused. Frankly, I think Piggy is total swine. Hey, if you’re not gonna make puns in a post about The Muppets, you’re missing the perfect op-pork-tunity.
5. Frogo the Dragon / Frogzilla
In a way, both Frogo the Dragon and Frogzilla make sense as alternate versions of Kermit. After all, biologically, dragons and Godzillas are closely related to lizards, which evolved from amphibians, which are strongly associated with Muppets. It’s not a far leap from Frog to Frogo or Frogzilla. However, in another way, it’s pretty crazy that “Muppets Tonight” glued Godzilla spikes down Kermit’s back for a Hardy Boys parody (guest star Heather Locklear) and only a few episodes later dressed him in spikes and wings for a Dragonheart parody, in an episode that stars Dennis Quaid and Gilbert Gottfried. Which begs the question: when is “Muppets Tonight” coming to DVD, for god’s sake?
4. Kermit the Agent
Though a life of representing talent never appealed to me, I did always think it’d be awesome to dress up in purple shades, gold chains and a scarf, then run around saying Hollywood nonsense words like, “boffo,” “socko,” and “Donnie Brasco.” I assume that’s what everyone at UTA looks like/is doing right now. This version of Kermit comes from the film Muppets Take Manhattan, when Kermit disguises himself as an agent to get The Muppets’ musical script to a top Broadway agent. Instead, he eventually shuffles off to Amnesia Town.
3. Kermit Hyde
The Muppets always have something to teach us. For example, if you’re ever given a drink with the words “Jeckyll-Hyde Potion” in the name, stay away from that noise. Unless it’s from the Four Loko people. In that case, have a dangerously ironic good time! On the Alan Arkin episode of “The Muppet Show,” Kermit ends up drinking Dr. Honeydew’s Ultra-Powerful Jekyll-Hyde Potion and becomes the toothy terror you see to the left. Though I’ve never played the Muppet RaceMania kart game, I can only assume Kermit can acquire this potion and use it as a power-up, because that would be awesome.
2. Kermit the Protozoa
Finally, a Kermit variation that both Muppet fans and biology majors can agree on. It’s the one common point that’ll bring these two camps to the negotiating table. In the kickass Beverly Sills episode of “The Muppet Show,” Sam The Eagle tries to bring intellectual content to the show via a science lecture, and as you can imagine, it’s the refined, classy educational lecture he was hoping it would be. All you have to do is look at a drop of water under a microscope to find Kermit the Protozoa and Fozzie Amoeba, which answers the question, “why water is so hilarious?”
1. Kermit the Pig
It’s the variety show MC of my nightmares. I find this combination of Kermit the Frog and a pig to be very unsettling. It feels unnatural and creepy, like the Muppet version of Splice. The circumstances of his introduction are no less weird – the pigs decide to take over “The Muppet Show” in the Cloris LeachmanÂ episode, Rise of the Planet of the Apes style. Kermit, Fozzie and Gonzo are locked away in the boiler room, while this green abortion takes over. For some reason, I don’t get the same feeling from this vinyl toy, maybe because it’s just a toy, whereas this mutant Muppet can take your place… at a moment’s notice!
Honorable Mention: Kermit the Chicken
In the Roger Miller episode of “The Muppet Show,” Kermit contracts cluckitis and transforms into a chicken. Looks more like Camilla wearing a lazy Halloween costume than a full-fledged crazy variation, but I always want to raise awareness of cluckitis in anyway I can.
[Thanks to Muppet Wiki for the images.]