11 Points Guide to Hooking Up — A Review in Pictures, Words, and Other Such Things

Opinions are like Sarah Palin, they’re all over the place, and most of the time they’re batshit insane. That’s why when I was asked to review this book, initially, I was apprehensive. Did I really want to add another opinion to the Internet, where opinions fill all the spaces that aren’t filled up by cats and porn?

But then I came to the sobering conclusion that yes, yes I did. Because I am an attention hog. I have a Facebook and a Twitter and a writing career, all devoted to making people pay attention to me. So, I said I would do this thing, because now you, the reader, are paying attention to my opinion, and while that doesn’t mean you respect it, it does mean that you at least know what mine is. And this is important to me.

So, reviewing things. Now I suddenly feel like an English teacher grading a term paper. So that’s how I’m going to do this. The book is called 11 Points Guide to Hooking Up. It’s the print debut of Sam Greenspan, already well known on aforementioned Kitty Porn (God that was unintentionally dirty sounding) Haven the Internet for his website 11points.com. For those unfamiliar, basically, Sam writes 11 item lists about anything he feels like, and then throws in some poop jokes and a reference to Donald Trump’s toupee and calls it a day. Why not a top ten list? Because apparently, they’re for cowards.

Now, the 11 Points book, as you may have figured out, is a dating book (as opposed to a trailer hitch manual.) His thesis statement (remember, English teacher here) is that all dating books use the same tired clichés and recycled pieces of advice over and over again that for one thing, don’t work, and for another thing, are really stupid. Things like acting like a huge douchebag to the ladies because they’ll fawn all over you, or wearing a pirate outfit as a conversation starter, or f–cking eye contact. Have you ever noticed how everyone is always harping on about eye contact all the time? To steal a quote from Sam, you’d think that if we all just made eye contact all the time, we’d all find our soul mates.

Well, Sam takes every piece of dating advice that has come before, thrown it in the toilet, shat on it, flushed it away, and then blowing up the toilet for good measure (hopefully it’s not his toilet.) He’s taken his 15+ years of experience in the dating world, and gives advice that actually makes sense. Did you know that the ideal first date involves eating no food whatsoever? I sure as hell didn’t. I always thought dinner and a movie was some kind of strict guideline.

Nothing is off limits here. He covers everything, from dating book staples like pickup lines, to less talked about things, like the ins and outs of booty calls or how to propose a threesome. This is a dating book like nothing else that has ever come before, written by a guy that has either experienced or intimately knows someone that experienced everything he talks about in his book. He doesn’t quote dubious statistics, or Internet polls, or tarot cards. He can talk about dating multiple people at once because he’s actually done that. He can explain what the proper amount of pubic hair to have is because he was actually told to trim his manhedge, because she was pretty sure a band of Merry Men lived there robbing noblemen.

It’s cleanly organized into 11 Point Lists (of course) and chapters that seem to go in natural progressive order: Picking Up, Dating, Sex, Kinky Shit. Almost every page has a footnote that makes pop culture references, or witticisms, or informing you that he wrote this list at the airport in Cleveland. And it’s gender neutral, issuing advice that can be used by both sexes, even combining black and pink on the book cover. Also the pictures you see on bathroom signs, but, then, maybe they’re just those paper figure things and I’m reading too much into it.

So, are you a heterosexual person between the ages of 15 and 35, and really don’t have a clue when it comes to the dating world? If yes, buy this book. If you like reading comedy books that convey a valid point, buy this book. If you’re planning to assassinate Donald Trump’s hairpiece and replace it with a live squirrel, then you’re…just a little weird, but buy this book anyway. I have never seen another book like this, and though I have no experience in the dating world (the closest I’ve gotten to first base was holding a girl’s hand once in 7th grade, and that was an accident) but, in this man’s incredibly sexy opinion, you should buy this book. I give it 10 adorable puppies out of 10.