There’s a sycophant in all of us. Evolutionarily embedded within humanity is the need to groupie out and worship those who have demonstrated skill-sets that vastly outstrip our own. It begins with your deity of choice (or Ayn Rand) and works all the way down to even animals (that eagle that pile-drived that one goat is pretty badass).
The trick to all this is access. Famous people spend a lot of time finding ways to judge non-celebrities because being fawned over is nice, but only when it can give you something. Usually that means opportunities to increase their fame and cash money stores. But you don’t roll like that because you’re an everyday type of dude. That doesn’t mean you can’t have access to their world though. And do it on the cheap. Low-tier celebrities are the way in, and you don’t need to spend a fortune to win their favor.
D-List Celebrity #1: Jenn Sterger
Location: Within 20 feet of John Salley. Just look for the tallest black dude at the douche-swank sports bar.
First Line: I think ESPN would actually appreciate your expertise and not just use you for your chest and pretty smile.
What you’d spend the $1000 on: Salmon colored polo shirts, A Yankee fitted cocked to the corner, and expensive well-worn jeans. Pop that collar and smile a lot.
Nevermind that Jenn Sterger tripped and fell into fame because she facebooked hundreds of pictures of herself at Florida State games. Nevermind that she put it into the pipeline that The Greatest Quarterback Of Our Generation, Brett Favre, sexted her his ‘Li’l Favre.’ Jenn Sterger is a hot chick that likes sports. Likes talking about sports. Likes wearing tight shirts and jiggling while talking about sports.
A girl like this would make all your buddies jealous. All your ex-girlfriends would throw knives at your pictures and call you for one last desperate, shame-filled hook up. And every time you got to put a grip on her surgically altered-boobie you’d know you’ve (hopefully) gone somewhere few had ever gone before.
D-List Celebrity #2: Snookie
Location: Any club where just knowing its name would make your friends punch you in the face.
First Line: Five jaeger bombs and a philly cheesesteak hoagie, miss?
What you’d spend the $1000 on: Enough food and drink to make her sick ($1000 is cutting it close here).
Snookie is a rare, prescious creature. A lot of folks might look down on you for dating her, but they’re idiots. She’s got money. Cash money. And lots of it coming outta that massive crack of hers.
Raid your savings account and hook a sister up. Then follow her to the bathroom and hold her hair back as she pukes. And when she dives in for the puke-flavored makeout, don’t flinch. You’ll have her for life.
D-List Celebrity #3: Jackie Chan
Location: Look for the group of asian Secret-Service-looking guys walking around Chinatown.
First Line: Chris Tucker was a great prop choice.
What you’d spend the $1000 on: Kung Fu and stunt classes.
Yes, Jackie Chan is a D-List celebrity. Name one movie he was the single lead star in that broke $100 million in the US.
He’s a megastar in China. Here, he’s still famous. But the only fans that go crazy over seeing him are the acne-ridden, lispy, know-it-all fanboys that can’t wait to sucker you into a conversation concerning the merits of sub-titles over voice-dubbing.
Jackie Chan is so mega-famous in China though that anyone around him gets a LOT of lady attention. So if you wanna join his security/stunt crew take those classes, take those lumps, and get you some ‘mushu.’
But speaking of D-List Celebrities that love ‘mushu’…
D-List Celebrity #4: Chris Tucker
Location: Any buffet in Los Angeles or Las Vegas.
First Line: I know this great after-hours buffet and strip club…
What you’d spend the $1000 on: If you haven’t figured it out, food. Lots of it. And cheap.
Chris Tucker rocketed to fame playing Smokey in Ice Cube’s ‘Friday.’ A few sparkling guest shots in other movies won him the role of Detective Carter in Rush Hour. The movie did so well that he wanted $20 million to come back. And they paid him. Twice.
He has done precisely nothing since then besides chew his way through L.A. and Vegas. Well, he sat next to Mariah Carey in a music video once and did some stuff with Michael Jackson including, but not limited to, appearing in multiple Jackson videos and tributes and the Michael Jackson trial as a witness.
Chris Tucker recently returned to performing stand-up, but his true love is still chillin’ out with a mouthful of grub. So if you can find a hot stripper that sweats bacon grease get ready for the big time…or as big as he can get you.
D-List Celebrity #5: Cash Warren
Location: The beach or Jessica Alba’s vagina.
First Line: No, she doesn’t need to do nudity. You’re the only one that should ever see her naked.
What you’d spend the $1000 on: Lawyers to negotiate ‘No Nudity Clauses.’
Jessica Alba is light years more famous than her husband, Cash Warren. She’s so famous I’m sure people try to push him aside when he walks the red carpet alongside her to view her next bomb of a movie. Despite this, she remains famous. Probably because she won’t get nekkid.
Cash stays at home planning vacations, changing diapers, and waiting for Alba to get home so he can knock her up again. So long as she remains fully clothed onscreen she may keep getting high-paying gigs. And he can watch ESPN and porn while the baby’s quiet.
Get that money together, grab a good lawyer (preferrably a self-righteous Republican with Tea Party connections) and let him hash it out with those drooley, pervey Hollywood directors trying to get his girl’s tits out. This get could even net you a movie career as a professional extra. And getting paid to be an extra in a crappy movie is better than your current job, right?