‘X-Men: First Class’ Goes ‘Brokeback Mountain’

‘Brokeback Mountain’ was, in its purest form, a simple love story. But because it’s about two dudes falling in love every man’s inner homophobe has to find a way to crack a joke about it. Makes sense. How else can you hold back the gay?

Do you doubt? Ok. Think of two men kissing. Full on makeout. Tongues and teeth, eyes closed, noses brushing over and over as their heads carelessly tilt from left to right. Can you see it? Are you holding back the bile?

That’s your inner homophobe. Smile and shake his hand. Talk to him. Get to know him. Study his face, his mannerisms, the yellow streak up his back. Remember, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. And he’s definitely your enemy.

You don’t mind him? Ah. That’s bad juju brother. Let me prove it to you.

Imagine two women sitting next to each other. Attractive. Clear, bright eyes staring into each others’ faces, studying the contours and memorizing their peaks and valleys. Then carefully, slowly, they lean in…and whisper in each other’s ear about your inner homophobe.

Go get your tissues and get yourself together.

Now, in one scenario you were uncomfortable. The detail made the act entirely too real. In the second one, you dang near messed yourself.

Most men react to the second one like that. But two guys making out should be like as if two trees were leaning in the wind. Two Dragonflies fly-boning mid-air. The Grand Tetons. Background visual noise amidst the backdrop of a civilized society.

On the other hand a good joke is still a good joke. And the homo-erotic potentialities of Professor Charles Xavier and Erik Lensherr are ripe with ‘em.

Never you mind the yellow and blue spandex or that all the girls went ignored while the alpha males of the group, Wolverine and Cyclops, argued over an average-looking Jean Grey (Rogue, no one can touch you baby). Two dudes getting as close as they did so fast with life views so demonstratively opposite could only mean one thing.

They could have been madly in love with each other.

They both grew up in a time where such behavior wasn’t just frowned upon. It was believed to be a perversion. A sickness. A disease brought about by heavy drink and skipped Sunday school sessions. So if you can hide that passion in a larger mission affecting you, your beloved, and others like you, why not? You can be with your one true love under the eye of anyone without fear of discovery.

That bile rise up again?

This video was concocted as a joke, but could it really have been so off base? Could Professor X and Magneto really just be gay lovers angry at the world for not recognizing their passion. Could they just be punishing the planet for their inability to publicly express how they really feel?

Perhaps. Or it could all be crap. But a good joke is still a good joke. And this video exploits it well.