This list is tricky because the crossover for this is ridiculous. Who knew there were so many acting rappers out there? For this list’s purposes the rappers who became actors will be ignored.
Rappers started out making money in the entertainment business via music. And though many of them suck (HARD), none of them will suck nearly as bad as the following ensemble.
These here are the careless few who thought that by virtue of their success on the acting side, they could allow themselves to dabble on the music side. Therefore, their fail will, most robustly, be documented.
10. Brian Austin Green
Brian Austin Green, aka BAG, was on 90210 in the 90′s. There is nothing like success to make you stupid and he was very nearly the dumbest (Tori Spelling got kicked off her rich-ass father’s will so she wins) member of the cast.
During his run on the show he developed teen idol status and a large young female fanbase. Somehow he got it in his head that rapping would be a good career move. He soon learned better. But he can’t be all stupid if he got Megan Fox. Or she’s stupid. Woe unto their offspring.
9. Debbie Harry
No rule has been broken here. Debbie Harry was a musician with her band Blondie before she started acting. But she’d acted before she made the song ‘Rapture’ where she rapped for the first time. Her sucking at it is confirmed by the fact that she never did it again.
8. Tom Green
Why is Tom Green famous? Can you remember a single thing he did that necessitates your remembering his name? Oh yeah, he did marry Drew Barrymore. But that wasn’t as much funny and as it was tragic. Almost as much as his musical attempts. Both have failed and he has retreated back to his Maple-leafed fanbase. One day we’ll finish the job on his career. One day.
7. Glee Cast in ‘Nothin’ But A Glee Thang’
They’ve completely lost their place those Glee folks. The show has made stars of the cast and continuously puts singles on the Billboard charts. Inside their little world they can sing and dance and do whatever their little hearts desire. Even if it includes rapping.
But the rest of the world is cold and mean. And their attempt to have fun parodying Snoop Dogg’s ‘Nothin’ But A ‘G’ Thang’ has been met on many sides with anger. You know what’ll be gangsta? Watching real life snipe each of their careers once their run on the show is over.
6. David Faustino
‘Married…With Children’ was awesome and David Faustino was awesome on it. But a combination of financial security due to a long-running show and ‘Napoleon Complex’ flipped his sensibilities and made him think that picking up the mic was an option. He had to find out the hard way that it wasn’t.
5. Marky Mark
He thinks that after years of being a successful actor and producer the world truly knows him as Mark Wahlberg. Nope. Not even the kids that grew up having never heard his music call him that. Because like the kids before them, they know how to use Youtube and Google. Thusly yet another generation gets to feel the ‘Good Vibrations’ for years to come.
And he still sucks.
And Entourage sucks too.
4. Joaquin Phoenix
He played Johnny Cash in a movie, did a great job at it, and thought he could make the world believe he then wanted to become a serious rapper. On paper it was a good idea. Take acting to the next level. Pretend to take on some strange new identity. Document every aspect of it. And show the world how performance art doesn’t have to be relegated to the screen.
But he’s a thick, veiny, purple-headed dick to think that this mess is ok to do as a joke. There’s rules to this here game that Mr. Phoenix isn’t respecting. Taking the audience on an experimental journey only works if he DOESN’T make fun of them in doing it. Being a disrespectful, talent-lacking sack of horse droppings don’t make him an artist. It makes him a chump.
And his rapping sucks. The sad part is he already knew that.
3. Anne Hathaway
Unfortunately for pretty girls, no one is willing to tell them how lame or full of crap they are because the girls wanna be around ‘em and the guys wanna bang ‘em. So they get dumb ideas in their head like, say, that they can rap like Li’l Wayne. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, the Prosecution presents exhibit A:
2. Michael Cera and Clark Duke Rapping ’2 B*tches’ with Too Short
Just because he’s your idol does not mean you should join him on stage. Forgive the youth for they know not what they do. They’re famous. He’s Too Short. He’s smart to let them on stage. He’s smart to let them have a mic. He knows how the internet works.
Problem is, these two don’t know how respect works. And though Too Short gets propers for letting two young white actors rap his own lyrics back to him, they get none for having done so. Their only salvation is co-starring in a hard R-rated comedy with tons of boobies all over it. Or dying.
1. Amanda Ingber
She was safe for 15 years. No one remembered her rapping from Teen Witch. No one cared anymore. It was probably some greasy, pimply-faced punk who dug up the movie and posted the clip on Youtube. Now it’s a sensation.
Whether you call it ‘Teen Witch Raps’ or ‘Top That’ what’s clear is that you can’t top it for s***tiness. (P.S. Noah Blake, the guy rapping, and his boys suck too. But they aren’t the focus of the clip so they got secondary billing.)