The Bible is riddled with tales of heroism and cunning on the part of men. But what of the chicks? Were there some badass broads making waves in all those Sunday School lessons? The short answer? Yup. The long one?
Rahab was a prostitute. She was the smartest prostitute ever though because she was smart enough to betray her own people when she saw the Isrealites coming.
She’d heard about how the Israelites kicked the snot out of Egypt to escape slavery. She also heard about all the destruction they’d caused on their way to Canaan, where she’d been living. As such, she hid the Israelite spies from Canaan’s military. So when the Israelites put a whooping on the Canaanites, they spared Rahab. She would go on to be named in the ancestry of Jesus.
King Ahasuerus of Persia was a dumbass, but he knew hot chicks. His queen Vashti was one of the hottest in the land and of noble lineage to boot. But when he wanted to parade her in front of his executive homies like a common concubine, she refused.
Like any power-drunk woman-obsessed pukeface, he summoned the hottest virgins in the land to his harem that he might choose a new queen. Esther, a Jew, was chosen.
Later, his chief douchebag official, Haman, decided that because one dude didn’t bow to him, he’d kill that dude, a Jew, and all the Jews in the kingdom. That Jew, Mordecai, happened to be Esther’s cousin. Esther, risking her own life, went before King Ahasuerus to plead for her people.
Had Ahasuerus turned her away she would have been put to death. But her hotness was so powerful that he let her in, heard her out, saved her people, hung Haman, and exalted Mordecai. That is one. Hot. Chick.
Father Abraham was the father of the Israelite nation. He was also a little bit of a chickensh*t. When the Pharaoh of Egypt took notice of his wife Sarah’s beauty, he wanted to take her for his own. Abraham told Sarah to say she was Abraham’s sister as opposed to Abraham’s wife. But The Lord sent an angel to mess with the Pharaoh every time he put the make on her. Eventually she confessed that she was really Abraham’s wife and Pharaoh let her go.
Later, God told Abraham that he would give him a son through Sarah. They were both very old and Sarah had been barren all her life so instead of trying to knock up his wife like God told him to he knocked up Hagar*, Sarah’s servant (that son would become Ishmael, the son Muslims, to this day, lay claim to Old Testament lineage through).
God smacked some sense into Abraham, he and Sarah knocked oldass boots, and even in fogeyhood Sarah bore a son. His name was Isaac and God’s decree was fulfilled. So not only did she escape a horndog Egyptian Pharaoh, but she also weathered her goony husband’s disobedience and gave birth to her first child in old age. Nice.
Tamar is often neglected as a badass woman of the Bible, but she’s probably one of the most cunning chicks ever.
She had a lunkhead husband named Er who pissed off God and got peaced out pre-maturely. Her next husband, Onan, who was ordered by God to father children by her, chose to pull out and spill his seed instead of make babies since by Israelite law the kids conceived by him wouldn’t be his to claim. Again, God peaced out Tamar’s husband.
Both men were sons of Judah (great-grandson of Abraham) and because of the drama Judah refused to provide his third, and last, son, Shelah, to Tamar.
Tamar wanted babies though, especially a son, since sons where the ones to carry the family line in Israelite tradition. Judah’s family also had stroke since Judah was the main leader so she really wanted in on some family action. So after Judah’s wife died Tamar dressed up like a prostitute, hid her face, paid him a visit and comforted Judah by rocking his world.
For payment, she wanted a goat. Judah didn’t have one, so as a sign of good faith that he’d make good on the debt he gave her some personal items. When folks found out she was pregnant, Judah was notified and he sentenced Tamar to death for, yeah, prostituting herself. She sent him the personal items saying that they belonged to the man who fathered her baby.
Judah, feeling like a heaping sack of pigeon droppings, released her of her death sentence. She would go on to have twins by Judah, one of which would go on to be an ancestor to King David, one of the greatest Kings in Israel. Badass.
Speaking of King David, Bathsheba was his greatest wife, bearing him a son that would become his direct heir to the throne. But when they met, she was married to another man, Uriah.
David was chillin’ on top of his palace one day and observed Bathsheba washing up on her roof. She was so hot he had to have her even though he already had his own assortment of concubines. So he sent her husband into the front line of battle and claimed her for his own shortly after his death. Nathan, David’s trusted prophet and adviser, checked him on his mistake.
Nathan: Dude, what’s up with you and Bathsheba? God told me you’re up to shenanigans.
David: Whuh? I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Nathan: You totally knew she was married to Uriah, the dude you sent to die in battle!
Bathsheba: You sent for me my King?
David: *whispering* Look at those tittays! Can you blame me?
Nathan: *shaking his head*
God killed their first kid together, but the second would become Solomon, the wisest and wealthiest (and horniest with 300 wives and 700 concubines) king in Israel’s history.
On hotness alone, Delilah had to be legendary beyond legendary. With that level of unbearable hottie-ness combined with cunning had to have made her one of the most skilled manipulators, male or female, in the whole dang Bible.
Samson was strong. Possessed with the Spirit Of God he also happened to be a Judge of Israel. As a Judge he was a leader, prophet and warrior at a time before Israel had started a monarchical system. His exploits were legendary, but his best feats involved kicking massive amounts of Philistine ass. Like by the thousands. By himself.
At the time the Philistines were one of Israel’s greatest enemies, causing them problems all over the place. Samson may have enjoyed single-handedly beating up Philistines like redheaded step-children, but he also loved banging the backs out of foreign women. Of course, in Israelite culture that was a major MAJOR no no.
Delilah may not have been a Philistine, but she was still foreign. And for all his strength and battle smarts Samson was powerless against Delilah’s magical punany. Hired by the Philistines, Delilah went to Samson to find the secret to his strength.
How badass was Delilah? She went to him to ask what the secret of his strength was and he told her. Then she bound him up as he’d instructed while Samson slept and told the Philistines to come get him. They, of course, got their asses kicked. THEN SHE WENT BACK TO SAMSON TO ASK AGAIN.
It wasn’t until the fourth time she asked that he actually told her the truth, that his hair was the secret to his strength. She cut his hair, told the Philistines and for the first time in his life Samson got his ass whooped.
No one knows what happened to Delilah after that, but since she didn’t get paid much by the Philistines you can be sure she probably got herself some sugar daddy, poisoned him and lived happily after ever. Damn.
Much like Samson, Deborah served as a Judge over Israel. Though more prophet and judge than warrior she still went to war against Canaan along with her battle general, Barak.
Barak chickened out a little when Deborah told him to go to war, so she told him that he’d win the battle, but the glory would go to a woman. True to prophecy the enemy general, Sisera, was killed in his sleep by a woman while trying to escape Israel’s charge.
After this victory Israel, while dwelling in a land of constant tumult, managed to have peace for 40 years. Her story only takes up two chapters, but is no less impressive an achievement.
As a virgin, she birthed Jesus Christ who went on to found one of the largest and most influential religions in the world and Republican Party Ideology from 1980 onwards.. ‘Nuff said.
*Edited because I’m a dummy.