Bieber’s Stupid Baby is Obviously Someone Else’s Stupid Baby

Justin Bieber did not screw random, semi-attractive Mariah Yeater after one of his shows. He didn’t feel her up in the bathroom, choose her to be that ‘special someone’ to whom he would drunkenly lose his virginity (he’s not a virgin, get real), or persuade her to fornicate without a condom. Mariah Yeater, your life is officially ruined.


Justin Bieber finally went along with the obvious answer: a DNA test. He went to a top secret lab with all of his top secret personnel and completed the test while lawyers virtually laughed in the faces of Yeater and her stupid baby. “Come at me, bro,” they said (in so many words).

There will be no settlements or even responses to Yeater until she takes a DNA test, and unless that test proves Bieber to be the father — which it clearly won’t. The girl was already caught sending text messages which tried to cover up her lie.

“Pleeease ERASE ALL MESSAGES from my mom where she says [the baby] Tristyn is Robbies Son Ill kick u when we get paid i’m trusting you pleeease,” Yeater sent to an anonymous friend. Apparently, she’s been identifying another man (who doesn’t seem to care about the baby one way or another) as the father this entire time.

Is anyone even surprised? It’s amazing that this even got news coverage at all before the DNA tests were administered. It would make more sense to go ahead with the test right from the beginning. Did she really think Bieber would just shell out some cash, basically admitting to fathering the kid in some roundabout way? What a dingus. It’s really too bad for her baby, who now has to grow up with a person who the whole town probably hates. Everyone makes mistakes; let’s hope this money-grubbing ho changes for the sake of her baby and quits thinking about herself.