No one wants to be ‘that guy’ who doesn’t give a crap about anyone who is worse off than they are. Whether it’s sending money to starving children, becoming a vegan/fighting for animal rights, donating time/money/things to those in need, or supporting changes in our corrupt government, everyone ‘cares’ about something. Or do they? If you have nothing to care about but want to seem like more of a compassionate person, follow these easy steps to faking it.
Many people already follow these steps, you just don’t know it.
Lots of Facebook Posts
Make sure you are as loud as possible about ‘supporting’ whatever cause you’ve chosen to stand behind. Often link to articles, pictures, or videos supporting your argument. Try not to exceed one post a day, however, lest you annoy your friends a little too much and are placed on ignore. If you’re getting awkwardly tense about the idea of spending money, don’t worry! You can pretend to care without spending anything. Most of the ’causes’ on Facebook can be joined for free, and make you look like you care about something that, in all honesty, made you feel guilty enough to do a little clicking before wandering off to some other end of the web.
Don’t limit yourself to posts, here. You can increase your annoying level by commenting on your friends’ photos in a somewhat preachy manner, but posting on brand pages will avoid getting yourself deleted while allowing you to maintain a solid level of facetious concern. Click on over to Nike and tell them and everyone else on the brand page that their products are made by slaves. Mosey on over to the McDonald’s Facebook page and start relentlessly mentioning their love for animal abuse and borderline toxic food ingredients. Your comments will most likely be deleted, but those who see them will think you really give a crap about whatever it is you’re talking about.
Photograph Yourself Fakely Volunteering
This is a good one, but takes slightly more effort. It’s easiest if you schedule your photoshoot around events you’re already planning, such as brunch or a trip to the park. For example, let’s say you’ve decided to feign interest in animal rights. The weekends are ripe with animal adoption events, so find the one closest to you and make a quick stop on your way to Sunday golf. Have a friend photograph you with one or more of the animals. Then, you can say you volunteered without actually having to dedicate more time/energy than it takes to upload and tag a few pictures.
There you have it. Three simple steps to convincing people that you’re not a totally self-serving douchebag while gleefully continuing to be a totally self-serving douchebag. If you feel like something is wrong here and are considering ‘making a difference’, you should probably get off Facebook first. Then, you can actually do stuff.