Written by Das Fork | March 31, 2010 | 10:07 PM
Ahhnold will give you a few laughs in his movies. Well, here are 160 of Arnold Schwartzenegger’s best quotes ever said in movies. Hasta la vista, baby.
Here’s to the Governator!
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Ahhnold will give you a few laughs in his movies. Well, here are 160 of Arnold Schwartzenegger’s best quotes ever said in movies. Hasta la vista, baby.
Here’s to the Governator!
Forget Jesus in your toast, how about Satan in your salad? I know I’m heading to the kitchen to try this right now.
Art is one of the most subjective things out there, and one man’s masterpiece is another man’s pornography conviction (the judge totally had it in for me from the beginning, I am sure to win on the appeal).
For some, art is all about truth and beauty; the marriage of form and inspiration. For others, it seems to be more that they figured out how to take free stuff and convince other people it’s got tremendous value. Artists or con artists? It’s up to you to decide.
Mark’s freaky creations include his signature piece, aptly named Self. That’s a damn good name for it, because that’s all its made of — bits of Mark Quinn made into the shape of, you guessed it, Mark Quinn. This crazy man started draining his own blood over a period of five months until he had 10 pints of the stuff, and quite possibly a serious case of anemia to boot. He then turned all that blood into Dracula’s perfect treat by freezing it and creating a sculpture of his head. This plasma Popsicle sold in 2005 for over 2 million dollars US. That’s 2 million dollars for freezing your own body fluids and making it look like you. Beats the hell out of selling it by the pint every time you need more beer.
Not content with this, Marc went on to create another frozen nightmare sculpture called Sky, this time out of his son’s umbilical cord and placenta. Nothing says “daddy loves you” like squishing your biological gift wrapping into a likeness of your face as a newborn infant.
Still, he may have redeemed himself when he created Sphinx — a life-size, nude sculpture of model Kate Moss, depicted with her ankles around her ears.
Chadwick’s claim to fame was the exploration of sexuality and the human body, which sounds an awful lot like exploring the mind of every teenage boy on the planet. Her definition of sexuality might differ slightly from yours though, unless you’re the sort who enjoys golden showers. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Chadwick’s most famous creations are Piss Flowers, art works she created while she and her husband urinated into snow banks and then made brass castings of the bits that melted away. She called this an erotic work created via a sensual bodily collaboration. Some would call it pissing outdoors while risking frostbite.
In case you were worried this whole thing was going to be a list of bodily fluids in art, fear not! Jana Sterbak’s preferred artistic medium happens to be cured flank steak. No, she’s not a chef, and she’s definitely not at all familiar with how a barbecue works.
Experts claim her works deal with issues of control, power and sexuality. Having reviewed her idea of artistic expression, we’re pretty sure Jana’s a psycho who will one day be found tossing hand lotion to plus sized girls living in a pit in her basement while muttering about soft skin and getting out the hose again.
Jana’s made a number of these meat based commentaries on modern day life, including Flesh Dress for an Albino Anorectic, which is basically 60 lbs of raw steak stitched together and then salt cured and allowed to air dry. Its processing is all part of the statement, as is the cloying stench of rotting meat that has to fill the air as it hangs on a mannequin over the course of the exhibition.
Her other work in steak is Chair Apollinaire, a steak upholstered chair where the fabric rots and shrivels much like a pork rind eating slob ensconced in the the La-Z-Boy in front of his TV.
You knew it had to be on this list somewhere. Jordan McKenzie’s collection of 57 framed items make up an exhibition appropriately named “Spent”. Described as an “acknowledgment of human futility in the face of time as well as a violent record of male sexual drive” these are quite simply results of the artist sitting in a corner whacking off. Having artfully aimed his joy juice so that it splatters onto a blank piece of paper, he then lovingly covers it with a layer of carbon dust.
When dry, the excess dust is removed and the results framed and hung for the admiration of an adoring audience. Oh yeah, and he records the date and time on the back, making it even more like every sticky copy of Playboy you have under your mattress right now.
Some artists resent their work being referred to as garbage. In the case of H.A Shult, that’s a fair assessment. Why? Because that’s all it is. Trash. The man found a way to convince people that figures made out of their own garbage were both artistic and valuable, and Trash People has traveled the world as an exhibit since 1996.
In the artist’s own words, “We are living in a time of garbage… I created a thousand sculptures of garbage.” Well that’s honest at least. “They are a mirror of ourselves.” Wait, what? Speak for yourself there, buddy. You may be mirrored by a bunch of garbage, but most people’s hips aren’t that lumpy, and spinal column aren’t typically a collection of discarded Crystal Pepsi cans.
He’s gotten to set up his army of refuse in locations like Rome, Egypt and Antarctica, getting paid to travel the world to show off a bunch of junk duct taped into the shape of people. I think we have a winner.
Driving with a mirror = good idea. Driving with no helmet = better idea.
Interesting Links:
20 Men With Moobs (Knuckles United)
8 fast food items that will ensure you die of a heart attack (Guyism)
Who Is the Baddest Pop-Culture Babe Ever? (Asylum)
Top Ten Aziz Ansari Moments (COED Magazine)
The Most Badass Alphabet Ever (Unreality)
A Timeline of Sexy Defined Through the Ages (StyleCaster)
Break out the Flintstone Band-Aids because these are some injuries for pussies.
The paper cut is the quintessential workplace injury for wusses. They are that gash on your finger that doesn’t even measure a nanometer but hurts like nothing else you’ve ever felt. Most of your body’s nerve endings are at its extremities; seeing as paper cuts are most often obtained on your fingertips from handling paper, the injury is usually pretty damn painful. Peeling oranges with a paper cut is the only thing possibly more painful than just a paper cut. Although it might hurt like hell, your injury isn’t really anything to worry about and a Flintstones band-aid will probably be overkill. You should maybe do one of the following things to take your mind off of your papercut.
Slamming a finger in the door instantaneously requires the affected person to grab the affected hand with the non-affected hand and jump around with both of them in their crotch for two minutes. Everyone else in the room then proceeds to point and laugh at the poor bastard with the big red finger. I know of people that have lost thumbnails to doorjambs, well that might be a lie but you’d never know if I didn’t just admit to lying. For the most part though, extremities slammed in doors won’t require much more medical attention than a kiss from your mum so quit your whining.
It’s a classic maneuver that you are bound to pull at at least one house party. You are going to be talking to the hottest girl you’ve ever seen actin’ all sly in the kitchen when you decide it’s a good idea to go in for the stove lean. Unfortunately, somebody left the element on after they made their Kraft Dinner and you now both look like an idiot and have some fierce red concentric circles on your hand. If you are lucky, you’ll make it out of there with a first-degree burn. You’ll want to wrap it up with some gauze and get some aloe on that sucker regardless of the intensity of the burn and get back to drinking. Let your soberest friend make the decision on whether or not you should go to the hospital but keep drinking to numb the pain. Forget about the girl, you’ve failed. Miserably.
Whether you’re diving to catch a dodge-ball or doing a radical air guitar power-slide, the resulting rug burn or road rash is something that will stick around for weeks. I was just a young boy when track pants became all the rage. I remember because they were the cause of one of the most disgusting injuries I think I’ve ever had to look at. The incident involved me playing volleyball in my elementary school’s gymnasium. The hardwood floor had been buffed just the day before and I was pumped to do some awesome knee slides on the freshly waxed flooring. So, if you will, put a 100-and-some-odd pound mass on top of a kneecap separated from a hardwood floor only by a thin layer of flesh and weird nylon-polyester hybrid. Imagine then, that mass moving across the floor at just under one meter per second and if you don’t have melted track pants in a gross bloody burn wound combination, you’re imagining it wrong. But I digress. I spent ten minutes picking the weird melty plastic out of my wound and vowed to never again wear track pants. I have never looked back.
It takes up a lot of real estate in your mouth so I guess it’s pretty impressive that you don’t bite your tongue more often. But when you do, it seems that there is nothing more painful and you try to express your pain in words but you can’t and that just makes it worse… And then you taste the blood. This has to be one of the worst feelings in the world so try and spit the blood rather than swallow it. Luckily, your tongue will heal really quickly but it will be a pain in your ass for a couple days. Murphy’s law says that if it can happen, it will and people have been documented biting off their own tongues. Voluntarily or not, biting your tongue off yields a lot of bleeding and maybe not so much dying. If you’re eating a rare steak, your tongue feels very much the same so it’s no wonder more people don’t develop serious injuries from a bitten tongue.
Stapling a finger is something all students and office temps are going to experience at one point or another. Most often, fingers tend to get stapled due to an overzealous staple fight wherein somebody loses control and holds the stapler a little too high. The one time it happened to me it was because I wasn’t paying attention whilst operating a heavy duty 20 sheet plus paper stapler. The lesson: always pay attention whilst operating a heavy duty 20 sheet plus paper stapler. As a result of my carelessness, I had a rather long piece of metal protruding from my middle finger. Luckily, and I say that as conservatively as possible, the staple didn’t manage to break through the nail on the other side but did manage to hit the bone. I figured this was as good a time as any to make my first trip to the hospital for a self inflicted wound.
Hitting your thumb with a hammer seems too cliche to actually ever happen. When you’re holding that nail still with your thumb and index finger you know there’s always a chance you’ll miss, but you never really expect you’re going to; until you do. A hammer smashed thumb can really be quite painful and seriously gross but it’s still one of those injuries that you don’t really want to tell your friends about. Instead, make something up like… “Somebody else hit my thumb with a hammer”. Yes, rather ingenious if I do say so myself. All kidding aside, you can lose fingernails to hammers and they are a rather serious matter. An infection is always a possibility and if you do lose a fingernail, you will scare away any potential suitors therefore, I deem the hammer on the thumb actually quite a painful and unpleasant casual injury.
Whether you are walking over a threshold, around a table, or up the stairs, stubbing your toe is another one of those incredibly-painful-at-the-time injuries that never seems to last more than a couple minutes. There are, however, some extreme cases that require a good deal of toenail reattachment and prevention against infection. For the most part though, stubbed toes just really smart. At the time, it feels like the world is going to end and you don’t give a shit about how ridiculous you look dancing around with one foot in both your hands. You can’t help it; it’s like when the tears come falling after some swift trauma to the nose. All you really want to do is yelp and do the stupid one footed hopping dance. This is one of those injuries that will pretty easy to judge whether or not it requires medical attention. If it doesn’t hurt in two minutes, you’re fine. If it’s gigantic and purple, you should probably see somebody.
There might be 51% of the population that has never had to deal with the prospect of getting your junk caught in the zipper and they should be thankful. Whoever had the idea to hide my most precious organ behind 50-some-odd vicious metal teeth is a nutcase. Every male in the entire world is very apprehensive about how he does up his fly after the few shakes it takes to rid it of the pee that for some reason just wants to hang on. Sometimes though, because you’re drunk or simply not paying attention, you can get the frank and beans all caught up in there and need to be taken out on a stretcher. It only needed to happen one time, but as a result of my scrotum’s encounter with what I now consider to be the worst use of metal mankind has ever devised, I have only since purchased jeans with button flies. My incident involved no blood and was more of a close call than anything else but I imagine somebody who is in a hurry could do some serious damage.
Bonking your noggin happens to some of us more than others, but everybody does it. Being six feet four inches tall, I tend to smash my head on doorways, roofs, and those bars before parkades that make sure no big trucks come in. If you’re running prior to being abruptly stopped by a blunt object at head level, the resulting trauma can, and probably will send you to the hospital. Cracked skulls and concussions are possible so if somebody’s acting weird, make sure they seek medical attention. I’ve never had to deal with the hospital due to head trauma but I have gotten some incredibly excruciating headaches.
Rest in Peace, Lady Di
Someone has made a tribute you with a collection of food all over your head and face.
I wonder what they fed him?
Chat Roulette is truly a freak show.
Scarface: the School Musical edition
Maybe Zac Efron can take this to the big screen with all his other high school musicals
Death by hamburgers? Most likely. If you ate every single one of these delicious looking hamburgers, you’d definitely be bound for a cardiac arrest. We hope you die happy!
Big thanks to This Is Why You’re Fat — an awesomely obscure food picture blog.
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