You pretty much can’t. Your weird behavior and awkward silences will surely give you away. Assuming that you’re not a total f*ck-up and can manage to play it cool for a couple of hours, here are some ways to increase the stealthiness of your ‘cigarette breaks’ at work — assuming that you work in a normal office and not one where your only coworkers are your cats and bong.
Since you’re probably reading this at work, I’ve replaced all the pictures of hot girls smoking weed with office-friendly stock photos to convince any passers by that you’re doing something productive and/or uninteresting.
Outside and Alone
Don’t smoke in your car, you dingus, or you’ll be taking a weed bath. That sounds awesome, but only if your next activity requires a lot of cat-petting and being useless. And you want people at work to think that you are the opposite of useless. There are probably no cats around, anyway. Don’t take a weed bath. Smoke outside even when it’s -20 degrees out. Let the icy wind blow the evidence away.
It’s also a bad idea to smoke near anyone who:
1 – Isn’t cool with it, man
2 – Is cool with it, albeit extremely annoying
3 – You’re not sure (you should probably find out beforehand)
If you could build a giant bubble out of dryer sheets and stick only your head and hand in when taking a hit, it would work wonders getting rid of the smell. You can store this bubble, made from dryer sheets pasted all around a globe of chicken wire, in or on top of your car. If you tie it to your car with a rope, you can just tell people it’s a weather ballon or some stupid modern art.
Ozium is apparently very effective at getting rid of weed smell. Apparently. I wouldn’t know, both because I have never used it and since I have gotten so used to the smell of weed that my brain now completely ignores the odor. Unless I’m passing by some unsuspecting tokers on the street. Then, I’m the wolf.
Take Off Your Pants and Jacket
In practice, you should probably leave your pants on. As soon as you return from becoming the Weed Wolf and gobbling up a joint, take your jacket off and fold it up really, really tiny. Sure, people may look at you funny, but as long as you smash the smell down into your tiny ball-jacket, they’ll assume you’re weird and not on drugs. This is most effective when you procure a roll of duct tape with which to wrap your jacket-ball. Then the smell is really trapped in there. Tin foil works just as well and is less messy, although they both produce the same amount of noise.
If you’re a person who gets extremely red eyes when smoking the marijuana pots, probably just don’t do it. There’s really no solution for you here, buddy. No cure for the ol’ shrimp eye. Suck it up and wait until you get home.
Don’t come back inside and play Snood for three hours. Get to work. Hopefully, you do something you either enjoy or can at least mindlessly tolerate whilst stoned. And maybe one hour of Snood wouldn’t be so bad.
A $600 vaporizer is probably a great investment, since it eliminates the smoke entirely. No odor, no worries. If you have your priorities straight, you’ll borrow money from your dad, take out a mortgage on your house, or just swipe your ballin’ black card to obtain one of these precious little gems. This is something that can be done discretely from inside a vehicle, but driving around with a big weed machine would probably get a little weird.
If you’re lucky enough to work in an environment where alone time is a common occurrence or a possibility, try and take the chance to work on something that requires you to be solo. This way, no run-ins with your demonic weed-hating boss or coworkers have to kill your high, dude.
Some people don’t have to worry about this crap because a lot of places are becoming more weed-friendly; in fact, many people know a coworker or boss who partakes as well.