So you have a date with a girl you like. How can you creep her out, make her hate you and never want to see or speak to you again? It’s a lot easier than you think — and you may even be working on it now, albeit accidentally. Here are three easy ways to make girls hate you.
Books like The Game and people like The Amazing Douchebag Mystery (full legal name) from VH1′s The Pickup Artist have been giving men tips to f*ck up their dates for a few years now. While some of their advice is based on true concepts (i.e. girls like to feel connected, such as by making eye contact), the misguided execution tends to be a lot creepier (i.e. not looking away once in a two hour span of time, AKA glaring). Follow these simple tips to ensure that your date is completely and entirely ruined, as if your tophat and Hot Topic gel bracelets didn’t do that already.
How to apply the Creepster’s Touch:
- Lean in. When she fails to do the same, lean in closer.
- Place a gently squeezing hand on her knee or shoulder every single time you laugh at one of her jokes. Every. Single. Time.
- Laugh at all of her jokes. Laugh at anything that could remotely be considered a joke.
- When leaving the bar together, gently place your arm around her shoulder. When she leans away or stiffens up, remove your arm immediately so as not to blatantly disrespect her. Repeat every five minutes or so. (Hint: ‘blatantly’ is the key word here).
On a date where two people are eagerly awaiting the evening’s sexcapades, touching is a great way to build up tension and show a girl you like her. If you are the only one participating in this type of imagining, however, your touching immediately plummets from ‘sexy’ to ‘scary’.
How to apply blatant subtlety:
- Randomly invite her to stay over your apartment. Don’t ask her on a date or to ‘hang out’ first. Go straight in for the kill… but don’t mention sex. She can crash, she can sleep there, but it retains some slimy facade of innocence if you imply sex without having to say it.
- ‘Like’ 20-30 of her Facebook photos in a single night, making sure that the pictures come from a wide variety of time periods so that she knows you’ve just browsed through all 3,000 images of her.
- Draw pictures of half-nude princess warriors with her face and body type. Upload to Facebook and tag her in them.
‘You can just crash at my place for a bit’, says the total creepster via Facebook, to a girl he hasn’t seen or spoken to in a few months. She just posted a status about her upcoming visit to his city of residence, and his invitation arises out of the blue (GET IT BECAUSE FACEBOOK IS BLUE).
Creep Her Friends Out
- Wait for her to walk away. Make an awkward sucking sound with your teeth and raise your eyebrows as you nod to her friends, then to her butt, then back at her friends.
- Out dancing? Pretend to hump her from behind when she’s not looking, but her friends are. Make eye contact with them and hold it for an awkward amount of time.
- Quietly whisper creepy little comments to her friends, like ‘I can’t wait’ or ‘I could watch that shit all day’.
- If you somehow end up together in her apartment (consensually) and her roommate comes home, look a little disappointed and say something like ‘Oh…I didn’t know there would be someone else here.’
Constantly Stare at Tits
Note: If one of these tips describes something you do, stop. Stop doing it right now. Except the tits thing, because everyone knows that it’s an involuntary reflex to great tits.