MAURY! MAURY! MAURY!
I went to a Maury taping once. Summary:
- I left my house around 6AM to get there (Connecticut) early. I was the second person on line, behind some dopey fat ladies who were on their fourth visit.
- Smoke a giant blunt in the car and wander, bleary-eyed, into a twilight zone of old ladies, wanna-be Maury guests, and sperglord internet nerds like myself. Applications to appear on the show are piled up in the bathrooms.
- Get seated in the front row, directly in front of said dopey fat ladies. Listen to them complain about the seating arrangements for half an hour until the producer appears.
- Producer does a ‘test’, in which he makes a statement (“Audrey just had a baby with Chris” or “But Chris has been seeing someone else on the side!”) and directs the crowd to react with screams of encouragement, shocked OOOhhhs, or booing. Berates audience for not being loud enough until we all become hooting circus animals and are deemed worthy of watching the show.
- It was a tame ‘you cheated on me’ episode with not nearly as much action as the episodes exploiting phobias or unruly children. The guests were all made to wear special, soft-soled black shoes.
- They had PA’s running around the foot of the set during taping with signs like ‘SCREAM MORE!!’, ‘NO CURSING!!’ and ‘GET ANGRY!!’ to silently direct those on stage.
- I wanted to stay for the second taping, but the girl I was with “couldn’t take it anymore” and I had to take her lame ass home.
I love you, Maury. Can we be friends?
This girl had sex for a double cheeseburger (with bacon, duh).
…But this girl has her beat, claiming to have had sex for just one can of soda. She’s also given it up in front of grandma and with over 100 dudes.
Here’s a creature who wants to be just like Snooki.
This girl claims to have had sex with over 300 guys. I don’t believe it.
A chipmunk with a bad attitude.
This thing is trying to conceive in the church bathroom, and plans to begin a successful career in prostitution to support her future child.
Maury’s 10 Sluttiest Girls, posted in 09, is now obsolete. There are too many to choose from!