Goats are one of the greatest mammals on the face of the earth, hands down. If you even say that they aren’t, you’re going to get slaughtered by one. Goats deserve more attention than other mammals because they have so many uses for humans. All of these uses are completely real, and yes, demonstrate how much goats completely rule.
Cutting Your Lawn
Now you don’t have to get upset when your mom makes you go mow the lawn during your Saturday morning video game practice! Goats have this insatiable hunger for grass, roots, old shoes, and tin cans. Companies like Google have employed goats to devour tall fields of weeds and grass, because it’s extremely eco-friendly, and everybody loves a happy goat. Renting goats is supposedly an affordable, low-carbon solution to cutting a massive field down, while fertilizing it at the same time! Google rents about 200 goats for a week in order to take care of their fields.
Dairy products are a very very important thing to the entire world. You can’t have a cheeseburger without cheese, and you can’t have a milkshake without milk. Not that you’d specifically want a milkshake made from goat’s milk, but it definitely exists somewhere on this strange planet. Goat milk actually makes up 2% of the annual milk supply for the entire world. It’s easier to digest than cow’s milk, and it also has its uses in modern medicine. We just hope you like the taste of a thick frothy milk, and a mustache that smells like victory.
Before you get all crazy about us eating cute little goats, just remember that there are ugly goats out there too. We just imagine we eat only the ugliest ones, because they’re so much tastier. Goat meat tastes similar to lamb, and goes great in curry. Goats produce some of the most eco-friendly meat, and it’s a very sustainable form of livestock. The most common goat used for its tasty, tasty meat, is the Boer goat. These goats have STEAK written all over them. Seriously.
Clothing and Other Warm Stuff
Goats grow this weird shit on top of their skin that you can apparently turn into clothing and blankets. Cashmere comes from goats, and it’s one of the most expensive materials that you can buy in clothing form. So the next time you see a goat, tell him you’re going to turn him into a really nice scarf for your niece.
Selling for Cold Hard Cash
People all over the world have put a ton of faith into raising goats for cash. When a boy goat loves a girl goat, he will usually mount it and make loud goat noises. A few months later, a small baby goat bursts out of the back section of the lady goat. People then towel off this gooey baby goat and raise it. Goats are a viable source of income for families in India due to goats having so many great uses. Their dairy products can be sold, as well as their meat and fur, as mentioned a few points above.
Fight Club had us believe that soap came directly out of fat human beings. After many awkward attempts at trying to harvest soap from people at Taco Bell, we learned that soap could come from other life forms. Goats soap is actually pretty damn fancy, it usually comes in the unscented variety, but since it’s an all natural product, it can be classified under “healthy.” And by “healthy,” we mean every hippie on earth probably uses it for their bi-annual bath.
Replacing Your Dog
Did you know goats could make for great pets? Apparently with a lot of time and effort you can turn that alien-dog into a new best friend. People often bring their baby goats in the house just to mess around, but some people’s goats actually come when called, and really love any affection the owner can give it. Just don’t expect any of the jewelry you left sitting on the dresser to stick around for very long, as goats think they are pimps and horde massive amounts of rings and necklaces.
If you like goats as much as everyone else, feel free to join the GOAT FACEBOOK FANPAGE!