What If the Justice League Taught Criminal Justice Courses?
The Justice League is widely seen as the greatest collection of heroes in the history of the (fictional) world. Even if Superman’s seemingly unsurpassed abilities ever seem to be insufficient to save the day, he can rely on a solid corps of other heroes to do something about those kryptonite chains and kick some serious Darkseid, Brainiac, or any other unlucky villain back to the cold, dark world from which he came. But what would happen if the Justice League were to rid the world of all such villains, making it a relatively safe place with just your normal, everyday villains? What would they do with their time?
Seeing that these heroes have already proven to be so marketable, this could even become a tremendous for-profit opportunity for them if they felt so inclined to band together as entrepreneurs. And instead of reprinting themselves onto a bulk of underwear and lunchboxes, why not take it to the field of education? They could probably even tackle online education and take their justice knowledge global! Can you imagine how many fanboys and aspiring law officials all over the world would flock to some online criminal justice degree programs taught by the Justice League? It’s fun to think about. And it’d be great to think how instructional philosophies and styles would differ from various members of the team:
Superman
You were endowed with great power, and you must use it wisely. Well, okay, not great power, but some power. You will get a cool uniform and a badge, right? And a gun! But you should never use it, because we never kill bad guys. Doesn’t matter if they’re about to kill you or someone else. Doesn’t matter if they’re about to destroy the entire world. We don’t kill them, because that would make us just like them. We just immobilize them and drop them off at the jail, and if they get out either because of superpowers or due process, it’s our job to put them back in again.
Batman
Your belt is your friend. It will get you out of every situation imaginable. You can’t carry a gun on it, because guns are bad. But you can carry chemical weapons, explosives, mind control devices, tranquilizers, surface-to-air missiles, and the remote control for a warplane or assault boat bristling with military-grade projectile weaponry. We don’t kill people, but we do blow up lots of things. Oh…and you might want to get an MBA on the side. This gig is great, but it doesn’t pay very well.
Wonder Woman
When choosing a wardrobe for crime fighting, it is important to go with something that maximizes comfort, minimizes weight and friction, and distracts the bad guys (yes, guys) from their sinister plans. As for weapons, true heroes only need the simplest of tools – such as a pretty rope. It’s also nice to have an invisible warplane with limitless range, but that’s optional.
Flash
Getaway vehicle? Bah! Criminals are so stupid. Hey, if you’re fast enough, you can smack that perp around a bit, and no one will see you.
Green Lantern
When it comes to striking fear in the hearts of the wicked, presence is everything. Memorize cool rhymes that could be extra verses for “Battle Hymn of the Republic” and recite them out loud as you stare down the unworthy.
Aquaman
Find your element. You know, your comfort zone. The place where you’re useful. It might be on the highway. It might be in grocery store parking lots. It might be in the ’burbs where all of the houses look the same. Wherever it is, learn to do your job better than anyone else in that place. Never venture out of it, because then you’re toast. If the bad guys go somewhere else, that’s what your radio is for.
Martian Manhunter
Be a good guy, but do everything you can to make people who don’t know you think that you’re a bad guy. A good part of this is finding a wicked-sounding professional name to go by. For instance, if you have a mundane name like Mike Michaelson, get everyone to call you something more memorable and frightening. A good name should be ethnic, violent, and mysterious. Alliteration is good too. For instance: Spartan Slayer, Bulgarian Beast, or Theban Thrasher.
