Hundreds of Pet Owls Discarded by Harry Potter Fans

So you bought an owl because you wanted to be like Harry Potter. It bit you, had really sharp claws, made a smelly mess in its tiny cage, and never learned to deliver your magical messages. Hundreds of disinterested Harry Potter fans have begun abandoning their pet owls in the woods, where they’ll starve and inevitably die, since a life of captivity has deprived the animals of hunting and survival skills needed to survive in the wild.


In the UK, owl ownership is legal without a license. Releasing the animal into the woods, however, is not — and is punishable by a £5,000 fine. It would therefore be easier just to drown the goddamn thing and make a beautiful pelt out of its skin. What’s so bad about that? Compared to the slow, painful death the owl will most likely endure over the course of days/weeks in the forest, you’d be doing it a favor of sorts.

J.K. Rowling has released a statement to those participating in the Paris Hilton Chihuahua owl craze:

“If anybody has been influenced by my books to think an owl would be happiest shut in a small cage and kept in a house, I would like to take this opportunity to say as forcefully as I can, ‘you are wrong’.”

Paris Hilton made tiny, overpriced chihuahuas very popular a few years ago. When even dirty whores realized that she was a dirty whore, slews of little chihuahuas were abandoned in shelters (mostly in California). And there you have it. Proof that those who slurp up trends like prostitutes earning their first crack dollar of the day will do almost anything as long as someone else says it makes you cool. Can someone please popularize suicide next?