As someone who has done this quite successfully and multiple times, I can guarantee that you can be ‘qualified’ for a number of previously uncharted (by you) positions with a little extra time and research. Here’s how to BS your way into a job that you can actually be good at once you get hired:
This does not include positions like fireman or accountant — jobs that require highly trained and specific sets of skills. BSing your way into a job is most effective in the fields of retail, food service, and administration. True geniuses can pull it off almost anywhere, however, because they have the mental capacity to both BS and then actually become what they want to be.
DISCLAIMER: This article is for entertainment purposes only. Whatever you do is your problem and in no way related to or influenced by me or the things I’m saying here or anywhere else.
Do Your Research
You want to be a retail employee in a high-end furniture store that owns the exclusive rights to designs by some of the most famous designers in the world? Read every one of their pamphlets and books. Memorize the designers’ names and the names of the flimsy, plastic $10,000 chairs they created. Know the history of the store. Familiarize yourself with their competitors as well.
If you want to work as a bartender, study cocktail recipes. Practice on your friends. They won’t mind. I promise.
If you’re trying to get hired as a designer, do your research on design. A plethora of sites will tell you what sucks and what’s interesting to look at. Practice using Photoshop. You’ll be surprised at how quickly you discover whether or not you have a real interest and/or knack in that area.
In this position, knowledge is truly power. Impress your interviewer with your know-how, even if you don’t know as much as you’re letting on. Don’t be afraid to ask questions, and don’t appear to be an arrogant braggart — just approach the situation with an appropriate level of confidence. Above all, make sure you actually know what you’re talking about. Don’t waste your time doing some half-ass studying just to show up and look like a dingus during your interview when you realize that you forgot half of what you were “kinda” trying to memorize.
Embellish or Falsify Your Resume
Yeah, I said it. Lie on your resume. Were you the assistant manager at a store? Give yourself a few extra responsibilities that you didn’t necessarily have. Hope the company you’re applying with doesn’t want to break down your job history with every single one of your references.
The truth is, you don’t always have to tell the truth. Just because some other guy has had two years of bartending experience doesn’t mean he’d make a better bartender than you — but he’ll certainly get picked over your measly six months as a barback.
No experience whatsoever? Make something up. Find a friend who has a job and is willing to lie on your behalf. Maybe they work at a bar. Maybe you were their barback, their intern, or their assistant. Make sure they can back you up when called.
Be Excellent When Hired
Congratulations, you’ve just been hired as the assistant manager for a clothing boutique when you know nothing about fashion or whatever program it is they asked you to use when making the schedule for your employees. Now it’s time to put your head down and delve into the world of getting your shit together.
If you want to keep your job and be successful at it, make sure you keep learning about the position you’re filling. Be ambitious and motivated. Don’t relax. Learn everything about the scheduling program. Learn about all the designers that have pieces in the store. Learn the prices by heart, even if you’re never on the floor selling them. Be the best employee you can possibly be. No one will ever be the wiser and hey, maybe you’ll even move up to a higher position that you now actually deserve. Then, one day, you can reflect on your wildly lucrative career as a retail manager (over a glass of bourbon), contemplating the slow trek up the long corporate ladder that other non-lying, non-scheming suckers have had to endure.