Are you one of those people who unsuccessfully tries to fill a sad void of loneliness, desperation and meaninglessness by spending gratuitous amounts of money on your designer dog? Here are 12 products that you will love purchasing for your oblivious little friend, find Dog Parks.
Ultra Deluxe Dog Gift Basket
You could give your dog a pile of rotting meat and he’d be just as happy as if you had bought him an Ultra Deluxe Dog Gift Basket, complete with real lobster, cookies, sausages, cannolis, and other treats that could feed a starving homeless man for a few days.
Dog-O-Matic Dog Washer
If you hate your pet and want to abuse and traumatize it without breaking any laws, the Dog-O-Matic is the perfect torture device for you. It’s just a huge washing machine in which you stuff and lock your dog. A large window at the front allows you to absorb every last moment of his terrible experience. Watch as he scratches helplessly, yowls in fear, and wishes he could maul you forever for locking him in this cruel and unnecessary invention.
Custom Wedding Cakes for Dogs
Is your dog getting married? Buy a custom cake that you can both eat. This is what your dog needs. It needs it. Don’t depress your dog by being a neglectful owner who refuses to satisfy Kim Kardoggian’s need for a wedding cake. What kind of sh*tty wedding are you trying to throw for your dog without a cake, anyway?
Too lazy to pick up your dog’s crap? Maybe you shouldn’t have a dog. Just kidding; the Poo Trap is your solution; just strap this cumbersome bag onto your dogs anus and watch him sloppily poop into it whilst looking like he’s engaging in a sordid act of fetishistic bondage.
Just in case you wanted to make the process of picking up dog poop more complicated, there’s Poop Freeze. With this product, you can make all dog poop look like it’s been sitting around for an entire Winter.
Beer for Dogs
It’s low in calories!
Pet High Chair
Unlike that trashy, classless monkey who chewed that lady’s face off, your dog can now sit at the table like a civilized goddamn dog.
Because “ewww, buttholes!”
There are a few different dog perfumes and fur styling products out there, but Sexy Beast is the dumbest. And that’s because it’s $65. Do you know how much weed you could buy with that? An 8th, and you’d still have money leftover for, like, three blunts.
Okay, so this is for a cat but it’s too stupid to exclude. This is perfect for making your cat flee in terror, attempt to jump over the neighbor’s fence in a panic, get caught and consequently strangle itself.
Special Occasion Dog Gowns
Stuff your dog into a creepy and expensive doll’s dress for all those special moments in its life, like meeting dog-president Bark Obama or making a VIP appearance at the Puppy Bowl.