‘Hello, sir. I would like to have sex with you. Shall we partake in some bung licking and carnal intercourse?’ Then shake hands. I literally have tears in my eyes right now.
- Virgin tweens (proof)
- Vapid black holes
- I don’t know. I wish I did know. I wish I knew people who read this. They would be the most entertaining people I may ever meet. Even more than junkies. And that’s saying a lot. Imagine a junkie who loved Cosmo. Please, Santa Claus. That’s all I want for Christmas. A junkie friend who loves Cosmo.
Here’s a guide to wearing makeup at the gym, just in case society has succeeded at leaving you completely terrified of entering the public in your natural state under any circumstances.
I used to read Cosmo when I was 13 and wanted to learn about how to do sex and other sex-related acts. I also read porn fan fiction on Bolt.com. I would search “how to give a blow job” on my computer and read articles about it. None of them, however, were as absurd as Cosmo’s suggestion to eat a donut off your dude’s d*ck.
“Swirl the tip of your tongue around his scrotum — the loose sac of skin that surrounds the testicles. Then, lick his balls with long, sweeping strokes as if you were savoring a delicious ice cream cone.”
“Blow his mind with this sneaky move: Stand behind him and stroke his penis.”
I laughed. I cried. Sneaky!
“Talk Dirty: As you fool around, say things like ‘this feels so good’ or ‘Baby, you’re driving me insane.’”
Cosmo: Re-discover Your Sexuality After a Lifetime of Prudeness.