7 Ways To Piss Your Neighbours Off This Christmas

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We’ve all seen them. Every town has at least one but very few of us actually have to live next to them.  That’s right, I’m talking about those dicks that find it necessary to spend three months setting up Christmas lights to honor the changing of the seasons, a fat man in a velour suit, or any number of Gods said to be born on December the 25th. 

It is an absolutely insane tradition that has been hyperbolized over the years from a single burning candle in a window, but it’s my right to exploit these people’s hard work and I’m going to exercise it. Annoying people during the holidays shouldn’t really be something that is particularly difficult but if you do want to turn some heads, you’re going to have to get creative.  Only two-thirds of Americans celebrate Christmas as a religious holiday but another 20% celebrate it strictly because it’s fun.  That means that with incredibly ostentatious lighting displays and many other methods, we can offend basically everyone if we get creative with multiple displays. Anyways, without further ado, I give you seven ways to annoy your neighbors this holiday season.

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Kris Marshall is a unique individual.  He is the father of what is known as the Christmas Truck; a $50 rear wheel drive, regular cab, long box Chevrolet POS. There is absolutely nothing special about this truck except the fact that it happens to be covered in somewhere between fifty and seventy strands of incandescent light bulbs taped all over the body.  One, pretty heavily taxed, Honda generator powers the approximately 3,000 lights. Apparently, Kris got the idea when he was hauling a bunch of the lights and a generator to his church.  It’s really not rocket science and pales in comparison to some of the other revelations people have had before in scientific history but it is pretty impressive nonetheless.  It does, however, look like shit in the day.  The natural light allows for all the black electrical tape fastening each string to the truck to be seen thus preventing it from garnering any attention during the few daylight hours we get this time of year. One things for sure though, no matter what time of day it is, if you have the Christmas truck parked in your driveway you are going to annoy the shit out of your neighbors.

Scheduled computerized light shows are becoming all the rage on the Internet.  Certain videos have reached tens of millions of views and competition is really picking up.  It boggles my mind that people would actually give a shit enough to spend literally months and thousands of dollars setting up Christmas lights and programming and choreographing a musical number to go along with it.  If you really want to annoy your neighbors you could put some speakers outside but for the most part, some of the budget goes towards a small FM transmitter.  The accompanying music is then broadcast over the airwaves and passers by park their cars and tune in.  The amount of work that goes into some of these displays is incredible and should be applauded but, to me, it just doesn’t seem worth it. There is no doubt in my mind that the constant flashing of thousands of lights would annoy your neighbors to no end.  This is probably the most invasive method on the list.

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Another really great way to annoy your neighbors is to mock their religion openly using displays of your own! Free speech is your “God given” right so you should get well acquainted with expressing your religious beliefs, or lack thereof, using creatively executed lighting displays as well.  The flying spaghetti monster, has become a staple in online Atheist culture and is a great way to offend any Christian who has heard of him.  I think that for the most part, anybody you would hope to offend with some FSM lighting displays would not even be aware of its existence and you would fall short of the mark. Regardless, it is a pretty fantastic idea and gently mocking somebody else’s religion, everybody else’s religion, is something that religions do. Join the flying spaghetti monster army and get touched by his noodley appendage.

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You know those ridiculous inflatable yard decorations that started gaining popularity a couple years ago? You’re going to want to pick up some of them if you want to annoy your neighbors.  Not only are they incredibly large, ugly and obstructive, but they are powered by quite obnoxious noisy fans.  With this method, you will not only annoy your neighbors on visual levels but you will also be entering the personal space auditorily.  Bonus points will be awarded if you plan on keeping the giant plastic snow globe on all night and can find a place next to a neighbor’s bedroom.  This method might be a little bit too expensive for most as these inflatable lawn ornaments are often hundreds of dollars. You can probably get some good deals on Boxing Day though as I can’t imagine they’re hot sellers.

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Nothing says you are a good Christian like putting up a classy Nativity scene.  You get to have Joseph and Mary looking all pumped to have a new kid.  There’s also usually a donkey or two followed by three Middle Eastern Kings. The kings are normally misrepresented with white skin but bearing gifts nonetheless.  While putting up a big classical nativity scene would piss enough people off, you are really going to get some reactions if you simply replace the baby Jesus with a monkey. Keep in mind though, that replacing the God  of the better part of America’s people  with a primate might seriously offend some of them. There is really nothing they can do to make you take it down, but the odds that your monkey Jesus will still be there in the morning are slim to none. The case for evolution grows stronger literally every single day.  Evolutionists continue to find samples that strengthen their claim and push religions like Christianity closer to the brink of crackpot. In my mind, there is nothing offensive about putting a primate in a manger replacing the God of a bunch of old-fashioned thinkers. It’s really rather stimulating, thought provoking, and maybe even needed at this time of year. You are still going to put some people off though so expect toilet paper, eggs, and get multiple monkey Jesus’.

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This next one even pisses me off. What is it with you people that insist on leaving up your Christmas lights all year round? You don’t just turn them on at Christmas either. You insist on having them on every single night of the year, which, quite frankly,  just weakens the thrill and beauty that December brings with pretty twinkling lights. You are abusing your right to decorate your house and you are simply lazy. I mean, it’s not even like the lights keep me up at night or are ugly in any way, it’s just that… you know… get off your ass. I know putting up Christmas lights is terrible work but seriously it’s like two hours out of your entire year; bite the damn bullet.

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Another great  method to piss of neighbors is to simply go caroling. I find this rather inexplicable but people tend to hate it when you knock on their doors to share a song with them during the season of giving.  Pick  regular caroling songs like “White Christmas” and “We Wish You a Merry Christmas”, nothing offensive, and the degree to which you get doors slammed in your face will absolutely blow your mind. This tradition has gone from being welcomed evening entertainment to just annoying and cutting into people’s personal time. Granted, you might get one or two families on the block that make you stay and finish the song, but hey, at least you will get a couple bucks out of the deal. Seriously, I don’t understand why this gets people upset but it does.  My brother, sister and I walked around the neighborhood last year doing it just for kicks. Most of the time when people answered the door they would fumble about in their pockets pull out a dollar, throw it at us and then slam the door in our faces without saying a word.  There wasn’t necessarily a warm reception, but we weren’t necessarily hoping for one… plus we might have been a little drunk. There were maybe two houses that went and got the whole family and stood at the door and listened to our terrible rendition of “Good King Wenceslas” but for the most part, nobody gave a shit. We still had a good time and lots of laughs getting the door slammed in our faces and plan on doing it for many years to come.

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Christmas is supposed to be fun. Even though corporate America has turned the holiday into something that doesn’t so much involve loving your family, but instead involves consuming to prove your love for them, you can still treat it how you want. We have to remember that even Santa Claus in the giant red velvet tracksuit is just a product of a Coca-Cola marketing campaign. A great Canadian one said “that’s Christmas… Getting drunk and stoned with your families and the people that you love. And if you don’t smoke or drink, just spend time with your families. It’s awesome. Merry Christmas.”