5 Cheap, Last-Minute Halloween Costumes
Didn’t get a costume because you’re a broke failure or were too busy trying not to die after underestimating hurricane Sandy? Here are five costumes you can throw together within minutes.
Low-Functioning Alcoholic. You’ll need:
- Yesterday’s (or last week’s) dirty clothes
- Cheap booze
- Dirt scooped from the inside of any dumpster (for smearsies)
- Pee stains
High-Functioning Alcoholic. You’ll need:
- Bottle of booze
- A career
Monsanto. What you’ll need:
- A printed contract giving you the right to cease and control all alcoholic beverages.
- A wad of money to punch people in the face with when they protest your thievery.
Abortion Fairy. You’ll need:
- Three wire coathangers. Tape two to your back so that the hang-y parts are facing outwards, thus creating wings. Sort of. Straighten the other one out and carry it around like a wand.
Reptilian Superrace Truther. What you’ll need:
- Just corner everyone you meet, rambling about how Reptile-Bama was bred from Bush’s stem cells in a secret chamber within the moon, until it gets so uncomfortable that you have to be physically removed from the party.
