As long as there has been fiction there have been alcoholic beverages that just don’t exist, no matter how much we want them to. This is generally because brands featured in movies and TV shows that haven’t paid for the privilege will sue, but also because sometimes a drink just needs to exist, even if the cruel realities of physics and chemistry will never let it truly happen.
Which doesn’t stop some people from trying to make them anyway. Here are five drinks that managed to make the leap from fake to real, even if that turned out to be a really bad idea.
Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster
Look, we don’t know what the picture has to do with Douglas Adams either, OK? We just know that’s what comes up when you do a Google search. Along with the actual recipe for the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster, which is like a Long Island Ice Tea, but scarier.
Remember, the objective of this drink is to create the feeling of having your brain smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a gold brick. And this recipe from, God help us all, Wikipedia might actually pull it off.
One ounce Everclear
Four ounces Bombay Sapphire
Four ounces Wild Turkey (cold)
Two ounces Herradura Tequila
Five ounces of rum (yes, it just says “rum” and doesn’t specify a brand: that’s Wikipedia for you)
One worm from a bottle of mescal
And the real barf factor, two ounces of Gatorade
There are actually several recipes, some of which are even worse, like the one that starts with 151, or as we like to call it, liquid unconsciousness, and goes downhill from there. They all seem to start with some kind of vile, highly flammable alcohol and result in an enormous drink made of varying kinds of booze that are perfectly tasty on their own. In other words, this drink is perfect bar-bet fuel.
We know what you’re thinking: can’t I just add blue food coloring to some terrible beer the color of pee and have my very own Romulan Ale? Sure you can, if you’re cheap and you suck! Real men will use this recipe:
One third of a liter of 151
One third of a liter of Blue Curacao
One third of a liter of Everclear
Then chill it. Then drink it. Then die. Now you’re drinking like a real man!
In all seriousness, we’re not sure what this tastes like, but we’re pretty sure it’ll make a truly awesome fireball if it turns out to be…unpalatable. So it’s worth making.
Butterbeer is, of course, the delicious drink consumed by Harry Potter and his underage friends, because the books take place in England, where getting a minor wasted is considered a patriotic duty instead of a crime, and the kids will probably get crocked anyway, because they live in rural England. Have you been to rural England? All those jokes about sheep didn’t come about because of sexual deprivation, they came about because there’s literally nothing to do in Little Sussexshire-In-The-Valley other than get tanked and wish you were somewhere else. In other words, it’s a lot like the mindset of most residents of New Jersey.
But we were talking about a wonderful world of dragons, trolls, child endangerment, bureaucratic stupidity, dead parents, and unicorns. And they love butterbeer. Fortunately, making butterbeer is easy to do. Just add a shot of butterscotch schnapps to a glass of cream soda, and stir lightly.
Just don’t feed it to kids. That’s really not right. The way to get children drunk is Jack Daniels and milk. I mean, really, if you’re going to get kids wasted, be civilized about it.
The Simpsons have been a nearly bottomless resource of fictional food turned into real foods. In fact, as a promotion for the movie, a bunch of 7-11s were turned into Kwik-E-Marts overnight, meaning Squishees and Buzz Cola were, for a brief, glorious moment, available to the general public, right before the real life Comic Book Guys bought them all up as collectibles. We’re pretty sure an empty cardboard Squishee cup is sitting on eBay, right now, with the owner telling himself that such an important cultural item must be worth at least the fifty-dollar reserve.
But even before 7-11 (which, by the way, is owned by an Indian conglomerate) showed that it had a sense of humor, several breweries around the world were churning out Duff Beer. England has a Duff dark, a brewery in Australia turned out a Duff that Fox got eliminated and now sells for thirteen grand a case, and there’s even a Mexican brewery turning out a knock-off.
So it was probably inevitable that the Flaming Moe, the infamous cocktail that brought Aerosmith to Springfield (and thus forced Joey Kramer into the arms of Edna Krabappel), would actually exist, and amazingly enough, features no Everclear or Blue Curacao:
1 oz brandy
1 oz peppermint schnapps
1 oz sloe gin
1 oz blackberry liqueur
1 oz strawberry juice
Light it on fire, blow it out, and then drink it. We’re not really sure what it tastes like, except that perhaps it tastes like obsessed fandom and shame.
Probably still better than a cosmopolitan, though.
The Entire Products List of Omni Consumer Products
This is not actually the logo of Omni Consumer Products, the real company. It’s the logo of the original Omni Consumer Products, from “RoboCop”. You know this is going to be good when a company is a reference to one of the greatest movies of the 1980s, and Omni doesn’t disappoint.
Omni Consumer Products specializes in “defictionalization”; i.e. every product described in the movies that seems too awesome to exist, they have actually created. Their most popular product is probably Tru Blood, a blood-orange flavored concoction that ties into the overly melodramatic HBO TV show “True Blood”. You know, the one that stars Rogue and her coterie of gay vampires. At least that’s what we think the show’s about, we’re just basing this on seeing a few ads.
But they’ve also created Brawndo, the Thirst Mutilator, from “Idiocracy”…which, OK, is about as obscure as you can get. But in the non-drink category, they have…
So, mix together some Romulan Ale and call your honey over. Sex Panther may only work 60% of the time, but these drinks will fill in for the other 40%.
By Dan Seitz