The Ten Worst Places to Pass Out Drunk

I have spent the past six years of my life attending a post secondary institution.  Needless to say, I have passed out once or twice in less than desirable locations, and if you spent any time in college I bet you have too.  Between my friends and I (I call them friends but really they’re just a bunch of dicks with similar interests) we have managed to pass out in a host of different places, very few of which were good ideas. As I’m sure you have too, please leave me your worst pass out story in the comments, I’d love to be reassured that mine isn’t the only life this messed up.

The Woods

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This could be one of the more terrifying places to wake up after a night of intense partying. Obviously, you’re not going to remember how you got there and waking up in the middle of a heavily wooded area is going to scare the pants off of you, if you haven’t already lost them. Being in the woods at night disorientated and drunk would be pretty terrifying, but odds are that you won’t remember that part. What you will remember is waking up at four or five in the morning, just before the sun comes up, frightened for your life because the family of badgers that are looking to eat you.  It is a lot funnier when your friends are watching from behind a tree, but not so much for you. There is a weird story about a friend of mine in the forest and ten hits of acid but he was awake the whole time so we’ll save it for another list. Long story short though he ended up walking out of the forest wielding an axe covered in blood.  To this day we’re not sure where the blood came from but it wasn’t his.

A Hot Tub

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I don’t think I have ever felt as terrible as when I woke up, still drunk, and well on my way to a hangover, sitting in a hot tub. My terrible friends didn’t wake me up or pull me out and as a result my entire body looked like a giant prune. I don’t remember wanting to go in the hot tub as I can only really stay in them for 20 minutes at the most. Any more than that and I start to get headaches and feel uncomfortable. Needless to say, my head felt like there was an ax in the back of it when I woke not only because of the hangover but because of the extended time I had spent in a hot tub. I couldn’t get my body temperature down for about two days and I was vomiting for more than half of that. I have never before or since felt as terrible as I did early that morning and I have never forgiven my friends for not helping me out. If you are going to get blackout drunk make sure that somebody who loves you and generally cares about your well being is less drunk than you.

On/In a Toilet

The toilet is such a natural place to want to pass out. Unless you are some kind of freak, when you begin to approach blackout drunk you are going to be in need of some sort of vomit receptacle. For most party hosts their preferred puke point will be the old porcelain throne so it’s no wonder you’ve passed out at least once with your head in it. The consolation of passing out in the toilet is that the porcelain is often very cold. It is the most comforting feeling you will experience at the time and it is almost entirely because everything else you are feeling is basically the worst thing you have ever felt. Drowning is always a hazard and if you have any consciousness left in you, you should try and fall to the cold, hard tile for some comfort in a puddle of your own drool.

Handcuffed to Something

Odds are that if you went to college you have woken up in a daze handcuffed to something. Flagpoles were a personal favorite of mine because, although they are technically possible to escape from, there is no way climbing a 50-foot flagpole hung over is conducive to survival.  Flagpoles were often in high public traffic areas and would result in the victim suffering an abnormal amount of humiliation. Normally, a victim of the flagpole wouldn’t be wearing much else other than what we could find in the school; the more trouble we could get him in, the better.  We left one poor soul tied to the bike rack one morning wearing nothing but a professor’s lab coat. The lab coat had the professors name stitched on the breast and was covered in a newly discharged pool of urine. Humiliating people for absolutely no reason is a cornerstone of post secondary education and I was gonna be damned if I wasn’t going to take advantage of it.  Seriously though, I think after the hot tub event I stopped doing this to people.  Nobody benefits… unless you film it.

A Public Park

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Passing out in a public park isn’t really such a bad idea.  If you can find yourself some newspapers and cardboard you can fit right in with some of the other riffraff present in the park.  On the other hand, if you have a purdy mouth, you may never ever want to go back into a public park at night.  I don’t know about your towns, but in mine if there is to be any sort of gay bashing, homosexual encounters, or just plain homeless killings, they are going to happen at the public park.  I am not a fan of being in or around any one of those and the park is the last place I would be if I weren’t out of my mind blotto’d.

A Stairwell

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This was the most painful sleep and following day I think I have ever had to experience.  I had to take a bullet for my buddy who, after months of drought, finally got a chick to come to bed with him.  I knocked on the door, figured out what was going on and rather than be the awkward retard in the room masturbating under the sheets, I thought it might be best to find a new bed.  Armed with my Ninja Turtles pillow I went down the hallway of the dorm knocking on every door that I potentially knew somebody behind. Pissed off and shit-house drunk, I got sick of the pursuit and opened a door that had an exit sign above it.  Now I have no idea why I didn’t make my way to some sort of common room or just sleep in the hallway but I ended up passing out in the stairwell quite literally sleeping on the stairs.  I guess a few people walked past me in the morning before I woke up but when I finally did, my pillow was covered in drool, my head felt like it was going to fall off, my ribs were bruised, and my room mate got laid. He really did appreciate it though as he took me out for breakfast and then dinner that day.  I think I drank off the pain in my ribs. Steady diets of booze are really hard to keep up with.

A Subway Train

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This is another classic that happened to a friend of mine.  Where we went to school the city’s rapid transit system was completely automated and had no driver. This is a pretty sweet thing for a drunk teenagers ability to scream and vomit repeatedly on the train but not so great when the train comes to its final stop.  After getting excessively drunk one night and basically everyone coming up dry in the poon-tang department, we put one of our good buddies on the train back home.  He proceeded to pass out underneath some of the seats at the very front of the train and somehow was missed when the attendants did their final walkthrough of the cars.  Anyhow, the next morning, our friend recounted the events that transpired after we left him.  He said he remembered waking up face down in a puddle of vomit on the floor of a dark and dirty train.  It took him a while to stand up but when he finally did he said he was in a field of the trains with no lights on anywhere.  He said it was the single most terrifying wake up he’s ever had. He managed to get a hold of the situation and worked his way back to one of the long benches where he passed out until the train started moving again.  Once it did, he got his bearings, met the morning commute crowd and got off at his stop.

Train Tracks

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I couldn’t think of a more shocking place to wake up hung over as all hell as train tracks.  What would even be worse is that if what woke you was the rumbling of an oncoming train. I guess actually not waking up would be much worse. Regardless, waking up hung over as hell laying on old pieces of rotting wood just knowing how lucky you are to have not been hit by an oncoming 5,000 ton monster of steam engineering would be a bit of a wake up call.  I’d probably never drink again, although I have said that more than once before.

Standing Up

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I can’t quite seem to figure out how this is even a possibility but I have photographic evidence of its existence.  Some dudes just have a problem and they don’t let things like toilets or floors get in their way, no matter the cost.  I guess sleeping standing up isn’t the most unheard of thing in history.  The Coneheads slept standing up and I think the Borg did too but they both had things to prop them up so they didn’t fall plus they weren’t fully human.  This guy has only got a lamppost to keep him erect and he seems to be doing an incredible job at managing not to fall over.  I guess it’s really just a matter of time until he does topple, but we really have to appreciate the degree of professionalism this guy brings to drinking habitually and passing out publicly.  I dare you to find me someone as dedicated to drinking alcohol. When this guy feels it is time to pass out he doesn’t find a place to drown in a pool of his own vomit, he finds a pole and he hugs it like his mother.

In the Driveway With the Car Door Open and the Car Still Running

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Alright, so this one actually happened to a friend of mine. He is a little messed up and his dad was an alcoholic who would regularly beat him, but still, this is the absolute worst place you can pass out drunk. Sometimes, a night of partying will make you completely lose your ability to make informed and rational decisions. That is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for anything that happens afterward though. You know if you are one of these people and you should take steps so that things like this can’t happen in the first place. Anyways, the story goes like this: the guy was out getting wasted with his buddies and he had borrowed his dad’s car without asking. This is the type of guy who can’t just get sort of drunk. In fact, I don’t think I have ever seen him anything short of blackout drunk. His father was the same way before him and still is. He also knew that taking his father’s car would yield numerous beatings but for whatever reason he still did it. His friends should also be held responsible for letting him drive home, but this is a man who seriously needs to sort himself out.  Anyways, after a successful night of getting so drunk that he could only function on a very minimal level, he drove his dad’s convertible home and proceeded to pass out in the driveway… with the door open… and the car still running. When he awoke in the morning, two fists repeatedly colliding with his face greeted him. He didn’t get a chance to say much other than some cussing before passing out again shortly. Granted, this kid had it coming and he knew what he was getting himself into, but still, the wrongs propagated by his father certainly weren’t doing much to prevent this awful behavior. He is one of the most messed up individuals I have ever met and I can’t think of one of his actions and his entire life that I would condone. He is incredibly lucky that he made it out of that night without killing anybody and it really never should have gotten to that point.