The Only Other Jobs ‘Dog The Bounty Hunter’ Could Do

Duane Chapman A.K.A. the Dog would definitely be able to find job opps if his gig as a bounty hunter fell through.

1. Professional Wrestler

Reasoning:

Tassles…and we don’t mean the booby kind! Dog already rocks out tons of leather tassels on his biceps and jackets, which would make him an intimidating force flying through the air to any opponent who lay injured on a card table.

Dog already comes complete with a gigantic busty blonde woman who is built and can kick ass like Butterbean!

The big bad dog also comes ready for the WWE with his own crew of misfits.

2. Freelance Apocalyptic Warrior (Zombie or Non Zombie realities)

Reasoning-

Two words: Eye patch. Dog The Bounty Hunter in one definitely doesn’t seem like a stretch. He’s like Kurt Russell from Escape From New York, except with a history of unfortunate decisions and a bad case of closeted racism.

He owns plenty of leather outfits for those long hot days of being chased by marauders and those cold nights being pursued by zombies or terminators.

With Dog’s intuition, Leland’s agility and Beth’s brute strength, Dog’s team is definitely equipped to handle the day to day problems that arise during a horrifying apocalypse scenario.

3. B Horror Movie Actor

Reasoning-

Just imagine what someone like Rob Zombie could do with Dog in a horror movie. He could be the bumbling, yet sinister hotel front desk clerk.

His voice would make him perfect for a role as a desert outskirt auto-mechanic. There are literally tons of applicable parts for Mr. Chapman in the horror genre.

Silence Of The Lambs could have been a different movie if Dog had extinguished one of his Marlboro reds and yelled at his imprisoned victim — “It puts the lotion on it’s skin” in that gravelly Dog voice.

4. Carny

Reasoning:

There are only three kinds of people that can go outside wearing a leather vest with a bare chest. They are death-metal musicians, Carnies, and Dog The Mutha-Fu*kin Bounty Hunter! Nothin’ gets you pumped up for a ride on the Tilt-A-Whirl quite like the site of a man’s nipples through a leather vest.

Dog has something like 86 children (journalism, yeah!) and this would work out nicely with the carny lifestyle. One pup could man the pretzel booth… one could collect the tickets, etc. Dog and his family would be like a carny special forces team that could be dispatched to the harshest of carnival atmospheres.

5. Wal-Mart Overnight Stock Crew Member

Reasoning:

Wal-Mart, at any time of day is truly a feast for the eyes. You will see creatures that lay far outside the explanation of conventional science. Cowboy boots and mullets are in abundance on the overnight stock crew of Walmart. Overnight stock crew employees at Walmart are like mindless worker orcs with a thirst for vengeance.

Dog and Beth would fit right in with this motley crew. If a co-worker is taking unnecessarily long breaks taking away from Dog’s smoke breaks, he would settle the issue with a little bear mace to the eyes.

Dog would rise to the rank of supervisor in no time.

6. Roadie

Reasoning:

Years of beating on doors and callin’ people brah have readied Dog’s body and mind for the extreme tests that he would encounter as a rock band’s roadie. First off, he knows where in Hawaii to get the best meth so a rock star’s needs would be met.

Dog already wears shirts that are severely affected by wind… this would make him perfect for the sound check and artificial wind machine test.

Dog could also help store yards and yards of speaker cable between that gargantuan heap of t-ts located on Beth’s torso.

7. Cult Leader

Reasoning:

Dog wears plenty of robes and tribal king-like apparel which would make him slide right into the role of cult leader.

With thousands of mullet-headed followers he could usher in a new era on Earth and transport mankind to the next step of evolution via his “magic Mountain Dew mixture!”

Much like L. Ron Hubbard pushed his creepy legions to swear off medical care… Dog could persuade his disciples to swear ON smoking Marlboros.

Other Occupations Suited for Dog

Pawn Shop Owner

Velvet Art and Elvis Memorabilia Sales

Street Magician

So take comfort Dog The Bounty Hunter… because when it comes to your career, you definitely have options!