We here at Forkparty understand that suicide is not a laughing matter…unless the person totally screws it up and lives.
You’ve come to the end of your rope. The woes of the world have pushed you over the edge and it’s time for a speedy release from life’s skull-fu–ing of your hopes. You could go with the classic bullet to the brain… you could hang yourself… OR you could at least try to go out with a laugh like these poor bastards.
Death By Zucchini… in the Ass
The zucchini is a sacred vegetable to the Chinese. It is used in some of the finest cuisine that you can order in a stoned haze at 4:30 in the AM. Apparently, you can also try to stick one up your ass to put a stop to life’s constant bitch-slap! A man known only as Lam inserted a zucchini into his rectum stating to authorities that he thought it is was an ancient way to take one’s own life. The man thought he was gonna rip up some ass veins and bleed to death. Doctors saved his life…but there was no word on the state of the zucchini.
Crossbows Are Not Very Efficient For Suicide
Sometimes, NOT killin’ that rascally deer can cause you to lose your faith in the world. When the woe of not blowing a furry little critters face off hits ya hard..make sure that you have a gun..especially if you are a bow-hunter. A nameless and sad man thought shooting an arrow through his neck was a great way to check out. Turns out he was wrong and finds himself still very much alive..except now he can only see out of one eye. FAIL!
Suicide by Cop…Via Samurai Sword Assault
Suicide by cop is not a new method to get life’s dick out of your ass…but there are various ways to go about suicide by cop. One Boston man thought attacking them with a samurai sword would definitely earn him sweet release at the other end of a copper’s barrel. He didn’t end up getting shot..but he did fall out of a three story window..and lived, which probably made him even more pissed and disillusioned.
The Old Trick Your Friend Into Thinking He’s A Spy Suicide
Imagine for a second that you are a pissed off little 14 year old kid. You are sick of your teachers and parents. You have very few Facebook friends. Your parents blocked all the porn. Life is not at all pleasant. You realize that you have a friend…a very stupid friend. Suicide sounds pretty sweet, so you come up with an elaborate scheme to trick your friend into murdering you…but how? Well, that’s easy you pose as a female British secret agent and tell the kid to kill you for sex and the life of a spy. This shit seriously happened.
A Costly AND Ineffective Departure
A 52 year old man named Milo Bogisic was feeling a little overwhelmed by life. He went down to the local funeral home and purchased a casket. After the purchase he penned his own obituary in front of the funeral home workers. They were a little puzzled. Then ole’ Milo hopped in the coffin, put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. There was a slight mishap though. The bullet passed through his chin and nose completely missing Milo’s brain. Paramedics saved his life, but sadly, the funeral home refused to refund him for the coffin.
Catchin’ The Train Outta Problem Town.
Then there is this disilusioned Israeli woman. She figured there was no way she would survive laying on some railroad tracks. Well, she fudged up and learned one way the train WON’T kill you.
The lesson here is that if the constant gauntlet of life’s treacheries gets you down, never commit suicide..because you might f–k it up.