All men have that one guy that they look up to. Be it your father, a teacher… or a Tai-Kwan-Do sensei, at some point an older wiser member of the men tribe helped guide you in the ways of being a bad ass. Sometimes these mentors are less than qualified. BEHOLD! The Most Unqualified Movie Mentors Of All Time.
Gandalf (Lord Of The Rings)
First off, Gandalf’s affinity towards kicking it with the tiny race of Hobbits all the time while he smoked drugs in his pipe should call into question his credentials. Sure he was a great wizard… but the dude was stoned pretty much the entire time. This must have been why he forgot to call his eagle buddies at the very beginning of the adventure… and said “hey man (cough) can you give us a lift to Mordor?”
That would’ve made for a much shorter adventure. Those eagles literally could have saved their ass in a ton of those wacky shenanigans they found themselves in throughout the trilogy.
Mickey Goldmill (Rocky)
This guy was bat sh*t nuts to the core. Let’s break it down. The actor chosen to portray him is none other than Burgess Meredith: The Penguin from that tripped out Adam West Batman TV series… so right there we find our hero learning from a coked up version of George Burns. He chose to die in his boxer’s arms rather than getting his ass to a hospital, perhaps surviving AND really be there for when Rocky needs to fight the Russian for America’s pride in Rocky IV.
You played right into their commie hands, Mickey!
Emperor Palpatine (Star Wars)
At some point Anakin Skywalker started thinkin’ Palpatine was awesome… but this guy is definitely ill-equipped to be a mentor. You would think that Skywalker would have started to be a little more concerned by his new teacher when he shot Samuel L. Jackson through a window with force bolts.
Palpatine did do Anakin a big solid when he had an awesome suit waitin’ for him after he BURNED ALL OF HIS LIMBS OFF IN LAVA!
Grandpa Mori Tanaka (3 Ninjas)
The early 90′s were a time that taught a lot of us children how to use karate and/or booby traps to defend ourselves from attackers, burglars, etc. It was truly an amazing time to grow up. 3 Ninjas was a movie series that was fairly popular… at it’s helm is Grandpa Mori Tanaka. Played by the alien-like Victor Wong…Grandpa taught the kids the value of kicking someone in the testicles.
He also has a really bizarre looking, light-up karate doll… which leads us to believe that grandpa might have went off his meds.
Mr. Myagi (Karate Kid)
Mr. Miyagi is the most qualified of the least qualified mentors on our list. He was a war-hero, which is cool, but he only seemed to turn these acts of heroism into an illustrious career as some kind of maintenance man. Also, anyone who is that into plants, loves catching flies with chop-sticks but doesn’t smoke weed is weird in our book. He also clearly used Daniel-san for some illegal labor that violated state AND federal laws.
Here he babbles something about grapes:
Juan SÃ¡nchez Villa-Lobos RamÃrez (Highlander)
This guy would have even a hard time landing a job at the local Starbucks with his sordid background. Born in Egypt in the 9th century with the name Tak Ne, he found out he was an immortal. We here at Fork Party aren’t sure how many natural born Egyptians look like Sean Connery though, so we think he might even be lying about that. Turns out he’s immortal and ends up adopting the crazy pimp-like name Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez. One more minor thing that puts him over the top in the unqualified to be a mentor category — he will watch and interrupt your sexy time with the ladies.
And Now The Most Qualified Movie Mentor Of All Time!
The nameless barbarian warlord and marauder that taught Conan the Barbarian every thing he needed to know.