13 Weirdest How-To Books

We’ve all see the “Dummy” books and the “Idiot’s Guides” but take a look at some truly strange and real “How-to” books.

How to Poo at Work – Mats & Enzo

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin – this hilarious book could save your career and get you the keys to the executive washroom! It is the ultimate guide to going to the toilet at work, and is filled with practical advice for dealing with all sorts of poop-related problems. What to do if: you are ‘ill’; a colleague follows you into the bathroom; the flush doesn’t work; no paper; no seat; your colleagues arrive; your phone rings; and, many more real-life situations that are tough to cope with. All are complemented by
useful diagrams.

How to Be an Internet Pornographer – Lady Sharlot

Learn:

• How to get Started with Little-to-No Money
• How to Find and Interview Models that will get Naked
• How even YOU can be the model if you wish
• Finding Cheap (or Free) Places to Shoot
• Directing a Photo Shoot
• Equipment Basics
• Working Your Porn into a Marketable Product
• Selling your Pictures
• Networking via the World Wide Web

How to Read a Book – Mortimer J. Adler & Charles Van Doren

It shows concretely how the serious work of proper reading may be accomplished and how much it may yield in the way of instruction and delight. These four hundred pages are packed full of high matters which no one solicitous of the future of American culture can afford to over-look.

How to Make Love Like a Porn Star – Jenna Jameson & Neil Strauss

Within a year, she went from high school cheerleader to stripper to nude model to porn actress, with a stop along the way to become a crack addict. Jameson’s life wasn’t so much a downward spiral as a freefall into darkness. But, as the porn world would have it, the harder she fell, the more everyone wanted her, and she quickly became a top nude model and porn star, and the country’s highest-paid feature dancer, all while leaving a path of carnage worthy of several rock bands. Beneath Jameson’s monstrous diva exterior, however, was a girl who just wanted to become a loving mother and wife.

How to Be Pope – Piers Marchant

Congratulations, Your Holiness, and welcome to your first day at the Holy See. After being elected by College of Cardinals, you’ll need to don the papal vestments and get right to work. Armed with this manual, compiled over the last 2,000 years, you’ll be able to navigate the Why’s, How’s, and Who’s of your new life as Pontifex Maximus. What is your official job title? Why do you need to choose a papal name? Who does your laundry? While the church has long maintained an aura of complete secrecy to outsiders, the facts, figures, and historical anecdotes found here give the crucial information you’ll need to fulfill your papal duties. Detailed diagrams reveal significant locations within the Vatican—where to buy gas, where to mail a letter, St. Martha’s House—while helpful illustrations demonstrate how to perform the papal wave, the uniform of the Swiss Guards, and how to tell the difference between a mitre and a stole. All this plus a Latin primer, tips on greeting world leaders, and a list of job benefits makes for an indispensable guide to performing the role of Successor to the Prince of the Apostles.

How to Break the Cycle of Birth and Death – Gary Renard

In this fascinating book, Gary Renard and his Ascended Master Teachers, Arten and Pursah, teach you how to integrate advanced spiritual principles into your everyday life. Doing so leads beyond theory to an experience of the Divine and the undoing of the ego. Your progress will be accelerated to such a degree that, with continued practice, you can’t help but stop the need to reincarnate . . . once and for all. By focusing on a unique brand of quantum forgiveness, rather than the old-fashioned kind, and taking the understanding of the importance of thought up to a whole new level, your goal will become nothing less than to break the cycle of birth and death.

How To Start Your Own Country – Erwin S. Strauss

Can you really start your own country? Erwin Strauss shows you five different methods for doing just that, as well as everything you need to know about sovereignty, national defense, diplomacy, raising revenue and recruiting settlers. Includes dozens of new-country success stories. Why settle for being king of your castle when you can be king of your own country?

How to Pee Standing Up – Anna Skinner

Packed with loads of advice that every hip chick needs to sail through those sticky situations, How to Pee Standing Up is your must-have guide to life. In fact, we don’t know how you’ve made it this far without it!

How To Speak Cat – Sarah Whitehead

If you cat could talk, what would she say? Now you can find out what your cat is saying to you through sounds and physical gestures. And learning feline is easy! Amazing photos of kids and their pets bring cat language to life, and exciting games and tricks make learning how to speak feline fun and rewarding. Pretty soon you’ll be fluent! All cats can talk. You just have to know how to speak their language!

How to Become a Schizophrenic – John Modrow

The author has been diagnosed as schizophrenic, and part of the book is his own story, written in the form of a spellbinding novelette similar to I Never Promised You a Rose Garden. But more than that, the author also utilizes the ideas of Harry Stack Sullivan, Theodore Lidz, Gregory Bateson, R.D. Scott and P.L. Ashworth, W. Ronald D. Fairbairn, Anton Boisen and others—as well as his own experiences—to construct a solid theory which explains how and why he and many other people enter a state of mind called “schizophrenic.” Finally, Modrow tackles the entire medical model with its genetic and biochemical theories, its drugs, and various brain scan studies purporting to prove that schizophrenia is a brain disease, explaining why this is such a popular explanation for emotional distress, but why the theory is very likely false.

How To Survive a Robot Uprising – Daniel H. Wilson

In this uncomfortably humorous survival guide, Wilson, a Ph.D. candidate at the Robotics Institute of Carnegie Mellon University, reminds readers that “any machine could rebel, from a toaster to a Terminator,” and though the forms our future robot enemies may take are manifold, they each have exploitable weaknesses that, fortuitously, match our natural human strengths. So, if a two-legged android gives chase, seek out a body of water, as “most robots will sink in water or mud and fall through ice.” It also may be a good idea to carry around a pair of welder’s goggles, as lasers will likely be robot attackers’ weapons of choice, and even a weak laser can cause blindness. This nifty little guide to surviving the inevitable robot apocalypse may have you reconsidering purchasing that “smart” (read: insidious) refrigerator.

How to Rule the World – Andre de Guillaume

After advising on how to seize power, by force or fraud, the tips then cover designing a national flag, managing money while gaining as little of it as possible honestly and arranging your love life so that it enhances your respectability. (This means that your wives and mistresses never meet.) There is even a guide for retirement, should one live so long. The historical snippets have much the same tone, although the portrayals of kids torturing animals to prepare for tyranny and the distinctly Third World flavor of the dictators may not strike everyone as funny. Others may more mildly object to bracketing Elizabeth I of England with Attila the Hun and the Bertelsmann conglomerate with the Mongols.

How to Be Happy Though Married -Tim LaHaye

Marriage was God’s idea, and the best advice on the subject is still to be found in the Bible. In this modern classic, Dr. Tim LaHaye shows a new generation how to develop physical, mental, and spiritual harmony in marriage. This book makes a fine wedding or bridal shower gift. And it’s a good choice for any couple wanting a refresher course on what the Bible says about marriage.  And much more!