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Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino makes $5 million dollars this year, through being on the most awesome and fist-pumpingest show, Jersey Shore, and through other endorsements.
We've got a situation here.
Now, we’ve heard a lot about “the shirt before the shirt”, and all that — but are you even able to fist-pump in a turtle neck?
[via Campus Socialite]
I just need to pick up a few picnic supplies before we go, better safe than sorry!
Camping supplies
We still think that Most Extreme Elimination Challenge is better!
Works of art are lost all the time, usually because human beings act like the morons above. There’s nothing we, as a species, really seem to like better than gathering up the sum of all our knowledge and using it as combination toilet paper and kindling. We burn classic film prints, we lose the only copy of priceless artifacts, and we misclassify paintings… a lot can happen. Fortunately, despite our ability to destroy virtually everything, we’re also really good and turning that stuff back up. Here are five works of art we thought we’d wrecked that turned up again, kind of like whack-a-mole.
A not-so-startling fact about British Columbia, Canada, is that the weed laws are quite lax. Weed is not so looked down upon as the actual harmful drugs (we’re looking at you, Meth), so it’s no surprise that the grow-ops are bountiful in this beautiful Canadian province.
What did surprise Christina Lake local authorities were the 10-15 black bears guarding a 1,000-plant grow-op.
According to the Vancouver Sun, the bears may be put to death if they cannot be properly rehabilitated — which is a pretty grim fate for these cuddly weed-loving beasts.
The two owners of the grow-op left dog food all around the property to keep the bears around to guard the property, and it worked up until the point that the authorities actually discovered these mellow dudes grazing around in a field of weed. Allegations started flying around that the bears were not only being fed massive quantities of dog food, but the marijuana as well.
Bears love weed!
Officials believe the bears were only behaving in a mellow-state because they were getting a steady source of Kibbles and Bits, making them completely comfortable with hanging around in the area.
We love Godzilla. Doesn’t everybody? Haven’t we all felt the touch of Godzilla in our lives?
Unfortunately, while Godzilla is awesome, he’s made almost thirty movies, fighting a new monster each time, and, well, they can’t all be brilliant. And then there are the ripoffs…
King Caesar, also known as King Shisa, or King Seesa
While this will be the first of many, many decidedly non-threatening Godzilla foes we’ll be listing on here, we always liked King Caesar because he’s really just a cuddly, mangy dog at heart. We just want to scratch him behind the ears and watch him go into paroxysms of ecstasy. Who’s the cutest threat to Japanese civilization? Yes you are! Yes you are!
Read: Look at this Dog.
Ebirah, on the other hand, always just makes us hungry. Seriously, the Toho creature design shop was either hungover or having the absolute worst creative cold streak in human history.
“OK, we’ve got a new Big G movie coming out, who’s he going to fight?”
“A… a… a lobster!”
“Tohiro, did you just come up with a monster by looking at your lunch?”
“….NO!!”
Read: Animals that are winning their turf wars.
Mothra is just… well, it’s Mothra. Just look at Mothra. This is a country that features the Vespa mandarin japonica or Japanese giant hornet, a creature that spits acid and is already the size of your thumb. Here’s a video of approximately five of them murdering an entire colony of bees and eating their children:
These things live outside of Tokyo, and kill forty people a year.
So what does Toho do? Make a big colorful moth puppet and turn it into a giant monster. Way to drop the ball there.
Read: Killer Moth is Looking Fly.
The Gappa is billed as the triphibian monster, because it walks, swims, and flies. You know, like a duck. Which it rather closely resembles. The Gappa were only ever in one movie because even Japanese schoolchildren knew a repurposed mascot suit when they saw one, and also because that movie was ear-bleedingly retarded even by the standards of kaiju movies, which is a genre where grown men put on fifty-pound latex suits to clumsily wrestle each other. People who take that seriously think Gappa is retarded.
Read: Knockoff Toy Fails.
Stepping away for a minute from giant scaly lizards, we’ve got Daimajin. Daimajin was a good giant monster, a huge stone statue of a samurai that awoke whenever it sensed injustice and swooped down on various sixteenth century sleazebags to wreak vengeance. If putting a bunch of doofuses with katanas and spears against a hundred foot tall stone statue seems like it kind of erases all dramatic tension, seeing how that’s a ridiculously mismatched fight, well there’s a reason you’ve never heard of these movies before reading about them on a comedy site.
Read: How Not to Move a 100 Year Old Statue.
Pulgasauri or Pulgasari, (depending on your translator) is a monster movie that’s more interesting for its production than anything else. You see, this movie is executive-produced by everybody’s favorite pompadoured power-mad midget, Kim Jong-Il. And it’s supposed to be a metaphor for what happens when you let capitalism go unchecked (the Pulgasari looks like a bull! Get it? Get it?!)
It also features a bunch of peasants teaming up to overthrow a tyrannical ruler. Sadly, it was very hard to find. We say “was” because somebody uploaded the whole thing to Google Video, and what are the Communists going to do? File a DCMA lawsuit? Here it is:
You’re welcome.
Fear the giant flying squirrel lizard!
No seriously, that’s all he’s got going for him. He glides. Like a flying squirrel. It took a movie fifty years later, “Godzilla: Final Wars” to give him a power that didn’t completely suck — super sonic beams, and he literally shows up for ten seconds. It tells you something that even Toho is embarrassed.
Read: 25 More Unlikely Animal Friendships.
Remember all that fun we made of Mothra? Well, this is EVIL Mothra. Battra was supposed to redirect a prophesied asteroid but woke up seven years too early. When he realized what had happened, he basically decided “Well, I’m early…might as well trash the place!”
It’s about as sad as it sounds.
Read: Tropical Bats are Louder than a Rock Concert.
It’s a giant cockroach with drill hands! Wait, is he starring in a Godzilla movie or a hentai?
Yet another one-and-done embarrassment for Toho, Godzilla Vs. Megalon isn’t just bad — it’s MST3K worthy. One of the few Godzilla movies bad enough to merit such treatment. Even when they were doing their big celebration of Godzilla mythology (and alleged last Godzilla movie) Final Wars, Megalon never showed up.
On the other hand, in the Godzilla games Megalon has been a consistently popular character because he’s cheaper than a hooker at 6am in the Lincoln Tunnel, and therefore awesome. So we guess Toho got their money’s worth. Just don’t ask what they did with the character in the intervening ten years.
Read: 7 Things in Your Apartment that will Scare Women Away.
Biollante is a big, vicious… sentient rose bush that, depending on your opinion of Freudian symbolism, also betrays some serious female issues as his/her first form (Toho was kind of vague about the gender) is a flower with lots of teeth. Basically a mad scientist spliced DNA from a rose bush with DNA from his dead daughter, and then spliced in Godzilla’s DNA to try and save her. Confused? Good! So were we.
All we know is that they picked the wrong plant. Imagine Godzilla spliced with some amazing cheeb. Sure, nothing would get done in Tokyo ever again, but they’d make up for it with the tourism.
Read: Five Sci-Fi Series that Butchered the Source Material.
by Dan Seitz
Take him away, fellas!
Injured Mascot
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Guys, What Do You Think Of Sporty Chicks? [Banned In Hollywood]
Why ‘Back to the Future’ Is Secretly Horrifying [Cracked]
America’s Best Little Beach Towns [Travel & Leisure]
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Parenting Really is a Lost Art [Uncoached]
Love Your Goat (Picture) [Fork Party]
28 Reasons Mini-Me is a Pimp (PICS) [COED Magazine]
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