Fork Party

20 Sexy Hitchhiker’s You Wouldn’t Drive By (Gallery)

Mikey — Wed, 16 May 2012 19:28:17 +0000

No hot blooded man, or lesbian, would ever dream of driving by any one of these sexy hitchhikers no matter how many horror movies you’ve seen where the driver ends up dead for letting his little head rule the big one when it comes to a hot hitchhiker.

Penoplasty Doesn’t Actually Make Your Boner Bigger — So Why Bother?

Drew — Wed, 16 May 2012 16:12:37 +0000

Seriously, what’s the point of paying someone thousands to slice your d*ck open if the benefits are simply “having a longer penis when it’s flaccid.” Does that make sense to you? Maurizio and Roberto Viel have “overcome the challenges” of penoplasty and perform over 200 every year, despite the fact that the procedure seems to do nothing for one’s sex life.

Their method is to partially sever the suspensory ligament, or the part of your boner that holds your boner upright when your boner is having a boner. Without this boner string, your shit would point to the ground all the time like Eeyore’s depressing tail. The Viel brothers figured out that cutting the ligament only partially can allow the penis to “hang lower by about two inches.” But the boner-length is unaltered, except it may now occur at a lower angle than before.

They also perform a girth-widening procedure which involves grafting the fat from your slovenly stomach into the base of your junk. That one only requires a single stitch.

Creepily enough, these two brothers have performed plastic surgery on one another in an attempt to look more alike.

WalMart to Build Atop Old Slave Graves in Alabama

Drew — Wed, 16 May 2012 16:01:57 +0000

Slave ghosts will soon be available at a discounted price in the Florence, AL WalMart. Coffee Cemetery may soon be home to a WalMart supercenter. Since the exact location of the graves is unknown, historical experts are speculating (making educated guesses) that the slave-graves are right beneath the area WalMart plans to use as a brand new driveway.

Since slaves were not given headstones and a obscure plot from 1903 doesn’t exactly provide coordinates for the cemetery, officials are confused — but WalMart doesn’t care either way. The discount general store behemoth promises to spend $25,000 restoring the cemetery, AKA throw a little hush money at the community while they grind all the old slave skeletons into baby powder for resale.

Despite almost 40,000 protestors in the neighboring towns, City Council members agreed to make the historical site from a residential to a commercial zone. WalMart still faces the “obstacle” of gaining the approval of the state’s historical, environmental and transportation committees, but don’t worry — they can pay off all of them!

51 Mutated Animals (Pics)

Drew — Wed, 16 May 2012 15:52:25 +0000

Wasn’t Kodak recently discovered to be housing over 3 pounds of weapons-grade uranium in an underground lab? No one knew about it for so long. There must be so many other secret chemical stashes unfairly hidden away from the public. Let’s mix them all together and make some new creatures! Science!

I want a two-headed cat, but not one that suffers and dies an early death due to its terrible deformity. I want a two-headed cat that lives to be three hundred years old and ten feet tall. I would ride it all over town, feeding it nuclear waste and crushing my enemies (AKA everyone). I would name him America.

24 Hot Girls Crying (Pics)

Drew — Wed, 16 May 2012 15:42:47 +0000

Life is hard.

This post was too short, so next time you come across a pretty girl who’s sobbing uncontrollably, please take a picture and send it to itscreepyifyouactuallydothat@gmail.com. If she cries harder when she sees you photographing her, make sure to get a few shots of the drama building up. Forget restraining orders; they’re just pieces of paper. They don’t actually do anything.

37 Faces of Meth (Pics)

Drew — Wed, 16 May 2012 15:34:21 +0000

It’s Meth Mania. Meth will devour your soul, your life, and your already-ugly face. However, it will bring you closer to God and give you psychic superpowers that allow you to talk to angels and animals. It can also motivate you to keep (one 2×2 area in) your house really, really clean.

If you love watching the effects of meth drive others crazy, check out the “Christy” episode of intervention. Christy is a 24-year-old girl employed as a stripper and full time meth addict. She hangs out by the liquor store in her clear heels, singing awful Taking Back Sunday songs and begging dirty old men to buy her alcohol. She also speaks to God, or is God, and has developed skills as a mathematical genius. Sexy. Get it, girl!

Cat Devours A Watermelon (Video)

Mikey — Wed, 16 May 2012 13:22:28 +0000

This little moggy isn’t messing about when it comes to scoffing down a slice of watermelon.

Once he starts, he doesn’t stop.

NYC Lawyer’s Hilarious Texts to Girl Who Rejects Him (Pics)

Drew — Tue, 15 May 2012 20:12:56 +0000

NYC’s most passive aggressive herb has been ousted on the interwebs. Read these hilarious pages of negging texts he sent to a girl who rejected his advances after an unsuccessful first date together.

After Candice saw The Avengers with this fedora-loving lawyer, she put an end to his request for a second date by politely telling him to f*ck off (“Sorry, I don’t think we really have a connection”). Here’s his response, sounding the script for a Tim and Eric skit.

It is not about you at all. It is not about you. It is about someone else.

44 Hot Girls in the City (Pics)

Drew — Tue, 15 May 2012 19:41:43 +0000

Hot girls look hot wherever they go.

A lot of people harbor the misconception that NYC is full of thieves and rapists, but it’s only overcrowded with them — the city is full of all sorts of people. A few nice ones, a lot of grumpy ones, some criminals, and the abandoned homeless and mentally ill make up the city’s population. Anyway, here are some titties and vaginas.

Weekend Residue Picdump (120 Funny Pics)

Drew — Tue, 15 May 2012 16:14:52 +0000

Marjoe, yolo, fat people, dogs, meth face, cute girls, tattoos, ratchet shit, mom’s embarrassing punishment, and a gif of Jeff Goldblum that makes him look like he’s jerking off.

Drown me in a chai latte.